Jailbirds and Marijuana

We go through employees fairly quickly. It's a gas station, and there's a lot of turnover with people.

No big deal, we're used to it and used to the pains of training new hires.

We hired this new girl a few weeks ago. She's a manager at another store, so we figured she'd be pretty good. And she was.

She caught on pretty quickly, but always seemed out of it when I was around her.

I trained her on her first day and noticed the faint smell of marijuana on her. At first I thought it was a customer, but when the smell lingered around after an hour, I took a wild guess.

Then I started to notice how really out of it she was. Her eyes were red, she took awhile to turn her head when her name was called, and she generally didn't look like she gave a shit about anything.

She works the night shift at her other job, so while everyone else just thought she was tired from that job, I figured that she was just high.

Anyways, whatever. Over 60% of our customers come in smelling like it, and I was going to say something to her about it the next time I smelled it on her.

If there was a next time. She was supposed to show up at work on Saturday but never did. So I assumed that she ended up not liking it and decided to quit.

Well, today (Wednesday) the phone rings and it's her. She tells me that she's been in jail since she got out of her shift on Saturday and didn't get out until now. She apologized for missing work and was wondering when she could come back in for another shift.

...Really?

I didn't ask why she was in jail, because really I don't care. As far as I'm concerned, she was a no call no show, during TRAINING, which automatically ruins it for you.

I mean come on, she could've used her one phone call in jail to call us, right?

Applying to Cashier School

A lot of people talk about how cashiers should learn this or that at something called "cashier school". If I happen to make a mistake while ringing up a customer, they will think they are being funny by asking me why I wasn't taught that in cashier school.

Who the fuck would go to a cashier school?

Yes, I know they are only joking. I know there is no such thing as cashier school. But still. It's pretty rude. For one, we know we have shitty jobs, so you don't need to rub it in our faces by joking about a cashier school. I know how to count. I made something called a MISTAKE.

Two, most of the time we are just thrown into our jobs on the first day, having to fend for ourselves. We have to deal daily with people degrading us, picking on us, yelling at us to make themselves feel better, and even cleaning up after people. Trust me, no cashier gets paid enough to clean up the shit (literally!) that people leave behind.

Third, nobody can be taught everything there is to know in order to make every customer happy. That, and we just don't care enough.

Do you think we really want to hear your stupid jokes about attending a cashier school because we don't do something the correct way according to you? Every time you say that, you're calling us stupid. You're just too much of a pussy to say what you really mean.

How about this: If we aren't being openly rude to you, just let us do our jobs and shut the fuck up.

Another Drive-Off? Really?

We had another drive-off yesterday. This time from a deaf guy.

This guy came in and with hand gestures, told the cashier he wanted a piece of paper. So she hands him one and he writes:

I don't know how much gas my car will take, so here is my credit card so you will turn the pump on

He hands her his credit card, she turns the pump on, and he pumps his gas.

When he gets done pumping his $45 in gas, he gets in his car and peels away.

The cashier tries charging his card and it comes up as 'suspicious activity'.

Naturally we called the police, but who knows if this guy will be found.

I'm honestly surprised that no one has done this to us before. It'd be so easy to hand a cashier an old credit card and tell her you'll be back in afterwards to pay for your gas with the card.

Then you pump as much gas as you can, and get the hell out of there.

I have no idea if that was even his real name on the card, or if he stole someone's credit card. Even though it's shitty what he did, it was a good scam on us. But now we know, and won't fall for it again. At least I hope not.

Stand There and Wait

"Okay, your total is $3.54."

The customer hands me a wad of bills. "Put the rest in gas on pump #7," he says as he walks away.

This scenario happens a lot. A customer will want their change in gas. But the problem is that they are walking away before I can tell them what that total in gas will be.

I'm sure a lot of people add it up in their heads, but most of them just trust the cashier to set their gas pump for the correct amount.

There are also the customers wanting gas that hand me a wad of bills and walk away before I have a chance to count it all out to make sure it's all there.

Please don't do that.

It's bad enough that we have to uncrumple all of your bills. The least you can do is stand there until we count it all. What would you do if I set your gas pump for $2 less than you gave me? You couldn't prove it because all of the money is safely in the cash register after you leave the store. And I'd walk out of that store with 2 crisp dollars in my wallet.

Actually, if I did this to every person that does that to us every day, I'd probably leave the store with 20 crisp dollars in my pocket. Adult bookstore here I come!

But I am an honest cashier. Others aren't though. Please take the few extra seconds and wait there until the cashier verifies the amount you have given him/her. Do that or risk having your money pocketed.

What Is So Freaking Funny?

We get people laughing at the stupidest things.

A prime example is this: Many customers will laugh when their total purchase ends in 69 cents.

Why? Why do people do this??

And it's not like it's teenagers or anything. It's always GROWN MEN that chuckle to themselves.

When they do this all I can do is stare at them with my 'You're an idiot' look. Do they not get enough attention from their wives or girlfriends at home that something like this actually amuses them?

The worst is when they actually say something about it. "Oh heh heh heh. 69. Do you see that?"

"Yeah, asshole, I see. Just pay me and get out."

Here's another piece of advice. If your total ends in 69, don't comment on it to the cashier. Just hold your laughter in as best as you can (because it is SO funny), and wait until you are outside before you burst out laughing.

Dear Customer....

Dear Customer,

Please don't bring a doughnut up to the register with a bite taken out of it and ask if you can have it half price because it's half eaten.

It wasn't funny the first 100 times I heard it from people, it's still not funny today.

Sincerely Up Yours,

Cashier

Umm, You Left Your Coffee...Oh, Nevermind

I don't know why, but I find it hilarious when people pull away with their coffee or beverages on the top of their car.

For some reason it makes me laugh, even if I've been having a shitty day.

The best one yet was where this guy had gotten 4 cups of coffee, put them in a drink carrier tray and set it on top of his car. He was on his cell phone, of course, so he forgot about them when getting into his car.

I didn't notice it until he was already in his car, but by then it was too late. I tried knocking on our window, even though he never would have been able to hear it. At least I made an effort before I laughed, right?

So I got to watch as the whole tray actually made it down the street still on the top of his car. The downfall was when he went to go make a left turn onto another street. That's when his coffee tray slid off the rooftop and splattered all over the ground.

Ahh, it's the little things that amuse me these days.

Leave Me Your Wallet

Today I was working at the register, and the pump sound went off which means that someone wanted to pump gas outside. We don't turn the pump on for anyone, the pumps are always pay first unless you are a regular and we recognize you.

So I look outside, and this guy keeps staring in at me but I have no idea who he is. Because I am a wonderful cashier and generally nice person, I decided to turn the pump on for him. But I still wrote down his license plate, just in case.

So this guy finishes pumping and comes in to pay.

Customer: Um, I don't have any money to pay for the gas.

Me: Then why'd you pump it?

Customer: Because I grabbed the wrong card and didn't realize it til now! (he said this yelling at me).

Since he had his wallet in his hand, I told him to leave his wallet while he went to go get money. He did.

Now, just so you know, if you get an attitude with me for no reason, I will look through your wallet. Which is just what I did.

I would never take anything from someone's wallet. But the reason I do look through them is:

1. To see if there's anything interesting in there to look at.

2. If you knew that I was looking through your wallet, it would probably piss you off even more.

This guy didn't have anything fun to look at in his wallet. After about ten minutes he came back in and paid for his gas. He never suspected that my dirty hands were all over it.

Maybe next time he'll remember to pay for his gas the first time and not give me an attitude about something that was his fault in the first place.

You're Signing With What?

I come to you today as your friendly neighborhood cashier.

I bring you a warning.

You know those pens that are sitting on the counter for you to sign your credit card with? Yeah, you don't really want to touch those.

My advice? Bring your own pen to sign credit card slips with.

You have no idea what people have on their hands right before they touch that pen. The pen is easily handled over 500 times per day by people that have just sneezed, wiped their nose on their hand, picked their nose, coughed, and anything else that you can imagine.

I even saw a customer that wasn't paying attention actually put the pen in her mouth while she was waiting for the credit card slip to print out. She put it in her mouth and started biting down on the tip of the pen.

I was too mortified to tell her what she was doing. It was like one of those mirages, where I wasn't sure what I was seeing.

I think that common illnesses can easily be wiped out if people did not use the public pen. Think about it. You might be signing your credit card slip with a pen that was just touched by a person that just picked their nose and needed a place to transfer the booger to.

Or a guy that had his hands down his pants scratching his balls. He might have even left a pube on the pen.

So remember, bring a pen or sign at your own risk.

Cashier: Keeper of the Secrets

What nobody seems to realize is that customers will come in and tell their cashiers all of the drama going on in their lives.

It's like I live a daily soap opera. People will come in, and all I have to do is say 4 magical words: "How are you today?" and it is like the floodgates opening.

I hear about women hating their husbands, men cheating on their wives, who slept with who and how little Timmy's father isn't really little Timmy's father.

I could probably make a shitload of money if people came to me when they were suspecting their significant other of cheating.

One of our customers is married; I see his wife all the time. Yet on the weekends, this guy comes in pretty much every Saturday night with a different girl on his arm. And he's drunk. So is the cheap whore he's with. I don't think he realizes that he's a regular customer though, he's just out having his good old time.

There's another customer that comes in every day and tells me about the yelling and screaming she heard from her neighbor's house, who is also a customer. When I hear about it, I will then ask the screamer basic questions, when actually I'm trying to fish for more information.

Even MORE customers come in and tell me about the fights they have with their family or spouses. It's like I'm their counselor, there to listen. Usually I just nod my head when listening to them and occasionally I'll agree with them to hear more of the story.

If the gossip that I hear is juicy enough, I will share it with my coworkers and anyone else that might enjoy it. I'd be careful what you say to your local cashier. You never know who they might be telling your dirty laundry to.

So, how are you today?

Eating Breakfast, Go Away

I start work pretty early in the morning, usually around 5am. I never eat breakfast before I go to work, that's just too early for me. Instead, I eat a few hours later, at 7am. This is my routine every day, and it does not change.

I apparently have not yet learned to go stand and hide behind a big display or something when I'm eating.

We usually get the same customers everyday at the same time, when they're on their way to work.

These customers will stop in every morning at the same time I am eating; 7am.

These same customers will then make a comment to me about me eating every single day at 7am.

Usually it's:

"Eating again? Heh heh heh." or "Everytime I come in here you're eating."

Or they will look at me and make big chomping faces as if their face is stuffed with food.

How they expect me to find that funny is beyond me. It's 7am, I'm still tired and I'm eating my breakfast. You come in at the same time every day, maybe I seem to be 'eating all the time' because I eat my breakfast at the same time everyday too!

I've even done little experiments. One day I'll be eating something healthy like an apple, and the next day I'll make sure I eat something that is totally bad for me, like a ham and cheese breakfast sandwich dripping with grease and covered in syrup. No matter what I eat, I still get the same reactions.

In conclusion, if you make a comment to me when I'm eating that I eat all the time, then you will experience the little things I do to get my revenge.

Nobody's Forcing You To Donate, Jerk

This year I'm doing the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure walk for breast cancer. Working at a gas station, I decided to put out a donation jar to reach my goal.

90% of the customers were cool and donated, some of them even donating every time they came in.

About 10% of the customers didn't want to donate, and just shook their head no, or said they couldn't at this time. Which is fine, too.

However, there was one jerk that just HAD to make a comment about the whole thing.

Me: Would you like to donate for the 3 day breast cancer walk?

Jerk Customer (out of nowhere): You know, I'm so sick and tired of hearing about breast cancer. Everywhere you go it's breast cancer this and breast cancer that. I have heart disease, nobody ever does anything for that!

Me (shocked that he would even say anything): Um, I'm sure the people that HAVE breast cancer are sick and tired of having it.

Jerk Customer: ...

And that was it. That brief interaction though, was enough to piss me off the whole day.

Why?

1. He could have said nothing, we don't get mad if people don't want to donate. Nobody forced him to.
2. He complained about having heart disease yet he was in there BUYING CIGARETTES.
3. He could have said nothing, because now we think he's a jerk.

I ended up walking away from him and he left. The next day he came in and wanted a 'truce', and ended up putting a dollar in the donation jar. I almost handed it back to him saying I didn't want his 'hate money', but then I realized that the donations were for a good cause, and not about me.

And thanks to the customers, I DID end up reaching my goal.

It's Friday, Go Away

Here I am, another day at the register.

Customer: "Excuse me, miss, do you have a tire gauge that I can use?"

Me: "No, sorry, we don't." Is it time to go home yet?

Customer: "How am I supposed to check the air in my tires if you don't have a tire gauge?"

Me (what I want to say): "I don't know, I just work here, asshole. Pull the one out of your ass and use that."

Me (what I really say): "We have them for sale, sir."

Customer: "That's bullshit. I'm not going to pay for one. This is a gas station, you should have them here for us to use."

And so goes my Friday. If this guy wouldn't have been such a shithead, I would have explained to him that we USED to have tire gauges that customers could use, but they end up taking them.

We've probably gone through hundreds of tire gauges over the years because people ask for one and never bring it back in. So what does that mean? We've stopped letting customers use them. And that means that if you want to use a tire gauge, you will have to pay $1.99 and buy one yourself.

Please don't let this be an indication of how my weekend is going to go.

The Minimum is $2.00, Please.

We have a minimum purchase amount for credit cards. It's $2.00. That means that you can't use your credit card for any purchase under $2.00. Simple, right?

Not to some people.

We get tons of people in everyday pissed off because they can't charge their 35 cent gum or their 75 cent newspaper. We don't have this rule because we want you to buy all this shit in the store, we have it because credit card companies charge businesses fees for taking credit cards. We just want our fees back.

The worst customer I ever had from this issue was this guy that came in one morning. He got a coffee refill, which cost 75 cents, and wanted to charge it on his credit card. I told him that he had to reach $2.00, and he freaked out.

The next thing I know he's outside at his car, on his cell phone. Then he comes in, still on his cell phone, but taking pictures of our store. Then he comes up to me at the register and says he's on the phone with his credit card company and that we're not allowed to do that. Well, this pissed me off.

I watched as he continued to talk irately to the person on the phone, while taking pictures of the signs in our store at the same time. So I waited for him to get off the phone and asked him what his problem was.

He told me that it wasn't right that he didn't have enough money for his coffee refill and wanted to charge it instead. So then, he pulls out change from his pocket, telling me that all he had was 60 cents or so.

I then told him that he just made himself look like the biggest asshole by going through that whole thing with taking pictures and stuff, and that if he would have just told me all he had was 60 cents, I would have put the rest of the money in for him.

After that he immediately calmed down and started apologizing. I told him to give me his 60 cents, and that I would pay the rest, and that it would probably be best if he didn't come into the store again.

He said thanks and left.

Really? You didn't want to spend another $1.25 to make the credit card limit? You didn't seem to hold back on the fancy car you were driving, you jackass.

I'm glad I haven't seen that asshole since.

Check Your Lotto Tickets

We gets tons of people in our store every day playing lottery. They range from customers that have never played before and want to try their luck on a $1 ticket to those that are obsessed and often spend $300 or more a day trying to hit the big one.

One thing I notice, with new and seasoned lottery players, is that sometimes they will hand me a lottery ticket and ask if I can run it through the machine to see if it's a winner.

I don't advise people to do this, unless you fully trust the cashier.

Why? Because it's so easy for me to say 'No, sorry, it's not a winner.' and hand it back to you. By then, I'll have run it through the machine to cash it, but am handing it back to you now unusable because I already cashed it in. If I ever did this to people, I'm sure many of them would not notice.

Also, always know what amount your ticket is for. I get even more people coming in thinking they won $1 when they actually won $10.

One time I had a customer playing tickets right in front of me. He ran up to me all excited because he won $200. I cashed his ticket and saw that it wasn't $200, it was $2,000. I could have easily taken the extra $1,800 and ran, because this guy was expecting just $200.

I always warn my customers that they should never walk into a store not knowing what they won. And that it's too easy for cashiers to lie.

Luckily for my customers they have a trusted cashier like moi.

Have you ever done this? Just handed your ticket to someone you don't even know and trusted them to tell you what you've won?

What's That Smell? Oh, It's You.

What do you think my most valued item in the store is?

You might have guessed hand sanitizer, but no. While it is immensely valuable and useful, having things on my hands doesn't bother me as much as smelling stuff.

The item I can't live without? The air freshener can.

Over the years I've learned not to smell things or people. When I was a smoker, I lost my sense of smell so I didn't have to worry about anything. Once I quit smoking though, it was like a whole world of evil opened up onto my nostrils.

I can't believe some people leave their house smelling like they do. I smell everything from cigarettes, body odor, marijuana, body odor, perfume, stale beer, soap and body odor.

While I'm used to some of these smells, there are some that I try to run from as far as I can. Those being? The ones I can't identify.

We had a customer come in one time that was really weird. He was a tall guy and had the longest beard. Never said a word to us, but whenever he came in, I swear people passed out from the smell that came from him.

I've never smelled death before, but I think if I had to describe it, it was him. It was so strong that it instantly made me and others start gagging. I can't even explain it. It was like he killed an animal, shit on it, then killed another animal and pissed on it, then rubbed that whole concoction all over his body. And made sure not to shower for a month to let the flavors marinate.

This guy would come in once a week, and whenever we saw him outside we'd all start arguing about who was going to get stuck ringing him up.

The bad part; whenever he came into the store, other customers didn't realize it was him that smelled, so I'd watch as they scrunched up their nose, while assuming that it was probably me that smelled!

The last time I saw him, my co-worker got stuck ringing him up. He had some goopy food stuck in his beard that day, along with the smell. After he left, one of the customers started gagging because the smell from this guy usually stuck around for a few minutes. So my coworker went outside, and politely told the guy that he couldn't come in the store anymore because customers were complaining about him.

We never saw him again. My sense of smell wasn't that upset about it.

But my point? I'd like to kiss the person that invented air freshener in a can. Thank you, on behalf of all cashiers everywhere. It's something I use on a daily basis. After the smelly customers leave the store, of course.

Sneeze Money

I know people get colds. I know people cough and sneeze. What bothers me is when they sneeze or cough up at me when I'm ringing them up. Usually though, I can dodge out of the way.

What I can't stand is when people sneeze into their hands, and then hand me the money that was crumpled into that hand.

I don't want your booger money! But I have no choice but to take it.

It's really hard to cover up that I'm dry heaving. I try really hard, but when my eyes start watering from being so grossed out, I can't stop my natural reflexes.

Most of the time I will pick up the bills by their corners. But it's really hard to do that with coins. Usually I will tell them to set the change on the counters. Then I will spray the hell out of them with Windex.

And then, just like I figured, a few days later I get sick.

So please, if you have to sneeze, sneeze into your arm or something. Not with the hand that has the money in it.

The Top Newspaper

I would just like to know why people never take the top newspaper?

What's wrong with the top one? Every morning I will watch as people try and pull a paper out from pretty much the bottom of the pile, nearly knocking all the top ones over, just to get to that paper.

I mean, don't they all eventually end up as the top one?

I've been confused by this for a very long time now. I've asked some customers, but all they do is shrug and smile.

It's especially amusing to watch on a Sunday, when the newspaper is nice and thick. All the papers get messed up on Sundays just from people trying to pull one from the bottom.

I'm still waiting for the day when the whole pile of newspapers comes crashing down on someone.

Can anyone shed some light on this topic for me?

Sunday Morning Crazies

Sunday mornings I always get a lot of weirdos in. I think they are the crazies left over from Saturday night festivities.

This morning, I came in to work at 6am and was told there had been a car parked out at the pump for about two hours. The person had come into the store and wanted to take a gas can because they claim they broke down up the road.

First, I have no idea how this person just found another car to drive to our store, because they were the only one in the car that had been sitting there for a few hours.

Second, whenever I hear a car has been there all night with someone inside, I usually call the police to get it out of there or to tell the person to leave.

Customers were coming in this morning telling me that someone was sleeping in that car. When they are sleeping, it usually means they are drunk.

So just as I was about to call the police, the car door opens and a woman steps out. She comes inside, and starts playing lottery. Then she starts telling me how men are all slobs and that she 'ain't gonna be picking up after none of 'em'. I could care less and was actually praying for another customer to come in to save me from this babbler. I almost hugged the next customer that walked through that door.

But it didn't matter. This woman just went on to look at our greeting cards for another half hour. GO HOME LADY. PLEASE.

I think she was drunk with the way she kept going on; and she probably noticed that every customer was peering into her car to see what she was doing in there.

Here's a tip from your friendly cashier: If you pull into my gas station to sleep off your drunkenness, then I will probably call the cops on you. You can then sleep it off in a jail cell.

Wet Crusty Money

I always get scared when people hand me wet money. Especially if it's not raining or snowing. Wet money could be one of three things:

1. A mysterious substance

2. Sweat

3. A mysterious substance

Mysterious substances can be many things. I often wonder what people do with their money in order to make it crusty or soaking wet. I don't even want to think about what the crust is in a handful of change.

Usually when I'm handed a bunch of dirty crusty money, I will refuse to take it. I know this probably sounds mean and money is money, but come on. I don't know what you did to get that money looking like that, and it's not fair to me that I have to clean it.

We've also gotten many bills with what has looked like blood on them. I've even seen fresh blood on the bills that were handed to me.

Please don't torture us like that. Be aware of your money and what it looks like. Don't hand me cruddy change and look up at me going 'Oops, well at least it's money'.

It may be money, but I don't have to take it or touch it.

Would you ever hand dirty money to your friendly cashier? Or, like me, would you keep it and clean it later because you are too embarrassed to give it out to anyone?