Would You Like a Bag?

I hate asking customers if they want their stuff in a bag.

I don't mind the ones that actually NEED a bag, but the ones that buy a 25 cent granola bar? What the hell do you need a bag for?

And then there's the ones that aren't even paying attention:

Me (after ringing up their purchase): Would you like a bag?

Customer (fucking around on their cell phone): Yeah, sure.

Me: *gets a plastic bag to bag their stuff and starts putting it in the bag*

Customer: *looks up* Oh, no, I don't need a bag.

Me: ...

I'd just like to say, THANK YOU for making me bend down and grab a bag when you didn't want one in the first place. My bones are old, they creak and shiver and my knees are weak from too many years of stocking.

So when you ask me for a bag and don't want one, here's what I will do: Absolutely nothing at the moment.

But I will, however, wait until you come in next time. Because, yes, I will remember you.

I will wait until the day when you DO need a bag. And when you do, I will then take my tongue and slime-ily lick my fingers so that I can get a good hold on your bag. And I will keep doing this until you look up and notice.

You will have no choice but to notice that my spit will now be on your bag; the bag that you didn't want months ago.

So in conclusion: Pay attention when I ask you if you want a bag.