What Should I Do With Myself?

This week sucked. Since gas has risen to $4.15 per gallon here, everyone has stopped buying gas and I don't blame them.

It's been like a ghost town around here. So much so, that I really haven't had any customers annoy me this week.

Of course the lottery customers have made their appearance. There's always the freaking lottery customers.

So I've pretty much had to pretend that I was doing some work around the store all week. It's really difficult to make it look like I'm working. It's actually more work than I usually do.

I wish someone would lower the gas prices so we can get our gas customers back. I need someone to piss me off or something! It's just not the same around here anymore.

Google Search Terms IV

It's now time for another post of Google Search Terms. For those who don't know, these are some of the keywords people search for on Google and somehow it leads them to my blog.

"when a cashier gently touches your hand while giving change flirting"

I don't know about any other cashiers, but I try to avoid touching anyone's hand when giving them change. And if the people are especially gross, I usually just drop the change into their hands instead of placing it in. This search term sounds like the beginning of a porno story. I've flirted at the store before, but I usually do that by flashing my winning smile. I don't particularly like touching people. Especially their booger-encrusted hands.

"what to say to a customer when your a cashier"

For starters, how about "Can I help you?"

"what the fuck did they do to camel lights"

I'm not sure, could you be more specific? April 23, 2011 was my two-year anniversary of quitting smoking, so while cigarettes have soared in price, I have no idea if they taste even more like shit now. Wait I take that back...Mmmm...cigarettes....*drools*

"take a penny, leave nothing"

Yeah, that's what most people do. That's why I usually swipe all the pennies and throw them in the cash register before the drunks come in and try to take them.

"should cashiers give you your change in your hand or on the counter"

I would prefer to just slap the money down on the counter, but then customers start calling me disrespectful if I don't place it carefully into their hands. Haven't they ever heard of germs before? Especially after they just sneezed into the hand they want me to put their money in??

"police let me use the bathroom"

Well that was nice of them.

"is it safe to hand my credit card over to a cashier?"

Well how else are you going to pay for your stuff? No one has cash these days!

"i smell and my coworkers hate me"

Hah! I bet this person didn't find the answer to his/her question here. My advice? It's called Febreeze. Spray yourself with it. Either that or blame the smell on a customer.

"how to reverse the effects of 5 hour energy"

Well, my guess would be to stick your finger down your throat and puke it back up. It might even taste better.

"gas cashier get shot while changing gas prices"

Customers usually yell shit at me when I'm changing gas prices, but I've never gotten shot. I'll have to be more careful now about raising those prices!

"can i gas station attendant legally ask me to take my id out of my wallet"

Yes, you dumb fuck. Stop trying to look for ways to get out of showing your ID.


Once again, I'm wondering how the hell some of these search terms found their way to my blog. And it really makes me wonder what kind of people are out there!

Why Do People Fall for These Scams???

This is how it all starts. I get these types of emails all the time (I got this one the other day and am too lazy to correct the errors in it):

Dear Friend,

For your kind attention, I am Mr.Sawdu Bello, the director of the accounts & auditing dept .at the Africana Development Bank Ouagadougou-west Africa . (A D B). I will be very glad if you do assist me to relocate the sum of ($10,500,000.00) Ten Million, five hundred thousand dollars into your personal bank account, this will be for the benefit of both of us.

This is a genuine and legitimate transaction only I cannot operate it alone without using a Foreigner as required in my banking law, therefore, I am contacting you in this manner to help me stand before my bank as the beneficiary next of kin to claim this fund into your bank account, for assisting me to actualise this better opportunity, the total sum will be shared as follows: 50% for me, 50% for you and expenses incidental occur during the transfer will be incur by both of us. The transfer is risk free on both sides hence you are going to follow my instruction till the fund transfer to your account. As a matter of fact, what I need is your maximum cooperation and to provide a valid bank account where my bank will transfer this money for the benefit of you and I. By indicating your interest on assurance of trust I will send you the full details and how this business will be executed.

Most importantly, please I will advice you to keep this business proposal as a top secret between you and me. Or delete it immediately in your email box if you are not interested in this fund transaction business. Your urgent response to this mail will be highly appreciated.

Best regards,

Mr Sawdu Bello

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I've highlighted the relevant parts.

Millions of people get these emails every day. And surprisingly many people fall for these scams. And that's when my store comes in to play. Once a person falls for this scam, they then come into my store to send money through Western Union to these idiots.

How are people still falling for these scams?

Money NEVER falls into our laps like this. I guess it just confuses me how gullible and trusting people are as soon as money is involved.

We had a customer come in yet AGAIN the other day wanting to send $100 to somebody in Nigeria because they said the person in Nigeria was helping to get this customer's relative out of jail. I tried to warn her that these were scams, but she kept assuring me that she's sent money to this person before. When I asked her if she knew this person personally (as in, have you ever met them before?) she didn't answer. So I had to refuse her transaction and told her I couldn't send money for her. Sadly I think she went down the street and sent it from another place.

When your cashier tries to warn you, please listen people. There are SO many scams out there and we've seen them all.

Lazy Cakes = Marijuana Fun!

Lazy Cakes.

This is the new popular thing at the store.

People first notice them sitting on the front counter and immediately think they are marijuana brownies. Cries of "Can you sell that??" and "Oh, I'll buy one!" fill the air when people spot these at the register.

However, these are not pot brownies. They are just regular bad-tasting brownies with a little bit of melatonin in them. But I guess these people don't realize that.

The ones who buy them often come back the next day acting 'high' from the brownies. They talk about how good they were and pick up two more to buy. They act like their heads are in the clouds and that everything is funny.

People. It's melatonin, not marijuana. You can buy melatonin at the store as a sleep aid.

I guess it's still funny to watch people come in and fake it, though.

I would have tried these by now, but melatonin has the reverse effect on me and keeps me awake all night.

Has anyone tried these?

Even MORE Night Shift Weirdos

I seriously hate working night shift. Especially when the weather starts getting nice because that's when all the freaks come out of their winter caves.

Around 1:30 in the morning last night a woman walked in and headed towards the beer. She was a larger woman and walked with a limp. She also had to stop walking a few times because she was out of breath. But eventually she did make it over to the beer coolers.

We stopped selling beer at 1:00 so I was going to have to tell her she couldn't buy any.

I was waiting for her up at the counter when I noticed she was talking. I walked to the back of the store and found her hanging on to the Nabisco rack.

"Honey, do you have any Vermouth?" Now, I think she was drunk, because it was coming out as "Vermoof".

I asked her to repeat herself and she again asked if we had any Vermoof.

I have no idea what Vermouth is, but I figured it had something to do with alcohol so I told her no, we didn't have any. I also said that we stopped selling alcohol an hour ago and that she'd have to come back in the morning.

She thanked me and kept holding onto the snack rack until she caught her breath. She eventually made it out the front door and I saw her shake her head to someone. I didn't even know anyone else was outside so I decided to take a look.

I watched as this woman got onto a bicycle - not completely onto it - she was kind of half sitting on it. The man that was with her started walking the bicycle down the street with her sitting on it.

It was weird.

Is Vermouth worth it to come out in the middle of the night, barely able to breath, being walked by someone while sitting on a bicycle?

More Teens with Attitudes

This must have been THE week for shitty teenagers to come in.

I was ringing at the register the other day when a kid came in wanting to buy cigarettes.

"Can I see your ID?" I said.

He looked at me. "Every time I'm in here you ask me for my fucking ID. No one else here does that but you!" he screamed. Customers were now staring at us.

I had never seen this kid before. But that was nothing new. That's usually how they work - they try to confuse us or make us look stupid so that we sell them what they want.

"I've never seen you before, so I need your ID."

He stormed out of there, kicking open the front door on his way out. A few minutes later he came back in and whipped his ID at me. I watched as it slid across the counter onto the floor behind my register.

I looked at him. "Well since you have a nice attitude, you can take your ID and get the fuck out of here," I said as I bent down to retrieve his ID off the floor. Before I slapped it back down on the counter though, I checked out his age. He was born in 1992.

19 fucking years old and he's giving me a problem.

On his way out he was mumbling something about coming back to talk to the owner. Yeah, okay. These teens - tweens - whatever they are - just don't know who they're dealing with.

Was it spring break this week or something? I saw a large amount of shitty teenagers this week during school hours. More than I wanted to see in a lifetime.

Getting Shit Thrown at Me

I seriously can't stand it when people that don't speak English come into my store.

Well, let me clarify before someone gets pissed off. I don't mean the people that are friendly and trying to show me what they want.

I mean the assholes that come in, mumble what they want in very bad English, and then get extremely angry when I don't understand what they are saying.

This happens to us all the time. It's usually when they want a pack of cigarettes that we have a hard time understanding them. With gas it's pretty straightforward, but when they want one of the thousands of cigarettes there are to choose from, well that's when it gets difficult.

If I don't immediately understand what kind they want, they will start sighing loudly and repeat themselves. If I still don't understand, they will then yell and enunciate their words like I'm a moron. If I still can't grasp what they are saying, they will then pull out an empty pack of cigarettes from their pocket and whip it at me. Yes, I have had cigarettes whipped at me before.

What I don't get is why they don't pull the pack of smokes out first so neither of us look like jackasses.

I have family overseas and every time they come to visit they make sure one of us is out with them to translate. It's not that difficult. Either bring someone with you or learn just enough clear English to be able to make a quick transaction.

Like I said, not all of the non-English speaking customers are like this. There are only a select few, and they all happen to be men. And they all happen to come into my store.

Does this bother anyone else?