Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Taking Out the Trash...

There's only one thing worse than a customer, and that one thing is: garbage juice.

I hate taking out the trash and try to do it as little as possible.

I admit that I haven't mastered the art of trash removal yet.

The things people put in trash cans are disgusting, as they should be. But it sucks when I change the garbage and get garbage juice on me.

You know what I'm talking about. It's that stuff that drips from the bag even though there's no visible hole in the bag. It's the stuff that leaves a liquid trail from the trash can until you throw it in the dumpster.

My problem is that I always manage to get garbage juice on my skin or clothes. I don't know how it happens, but it does.

And even when I'm lucky enough to not spill garbage juice on myself, it somehow manages to attach its stench to my nose hairs, which means that's all I can smell for the rest of the day.

If garbage juice wafts up to my nose, that's it for me. I'm paranoid that I smell all day long and am constantly asking customers and co-workers if I smell like garbage juice. Surprisingly not many customers know what garbage juice is.

I'd probably take crappy customers all day long over garbage juice.

Maybe I should wear a garbage bag over my clothes and put a face mask on before I take out the trash....I'll sacrifice looking like a tool if it'll save me from that smell.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

That's What She Said.....

Dee from Say Anything, actually wanted to interview me!

You can see the interview here.

I'm on my way to work the morning shift. Let's hope the first customer of the day doesn't piss me off. It's gonna be rough though, I woke up on the wrong side of the cash register this morning.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Hurry Up and Take a Damn Bag

I have a routine when I work. Once I ring you up, I'll tell you your total. It is then that I will ask if you want a bag.

I usually get the bag while you are searching for your money (which you should already have out and ready, but never do).

While you are digging around for money, I will quickly bag your purchase, take your money, and everyone is happily on their way. It works so nicely.

It doesn't work, however, when I ask if you want a bag and you stand there thinking about it.

Do you really need to take 30 seconds to think about whether you want to put your shit in a bag or not? I watch everyday as some people even cock their heads to the side and crinkle up their nose trying to decide.

The problem with this is, you ruin my timing. While you are pondering life and whether you want paper or plastic, I am half bent over on my way to get you a bag and when I have to stop in this position waiting for your answer, it hurts my back, as I've said before.

And when it hurts my back I tend to purposely smash your food items as I'm eventually placing them in your precious bag.

I think I'm going to make a checklist of all the things you should have ready before you get to the register to checkout. Then for a week straight I will place them in everyone's bag like little flyers, so once they get home they can read and prepare for their next time.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Open Letter to a Spider

Dear Spider,

What the fuck. I volunteered to work a night shift and was pretty tired. I decided to make a cup of coffee in order to stay awake.

I waited an hour for my coffee to cool down.

Imagine my surprise when I go to take my first sip and see you, dear spider, perched on the edge of my cup.

You scared the crap out of me.

Imagine your surprise when I screamed and dropped my coffee, spilling it all over the floor. I looked as clumsy as a customer.

I'm sorry I stepped on you fifty-seven times. I was pissed. And I wanted to make sure you were dead and wouldn't come find me in the middle of the night to crawl in my mouth.

Maybe in your next life you'll learn not to sit on a cashier's coffee cup when she really needed that coffee to stay awake.

Yours in faith,


Friday, June 25, 2010

Say It, Don't Spray It

Spist - a combination of spitting and spraying a fine mist on something when sneezing or coughing.

I was at the grocery store yesterday and passed one of their employees stocking fruit. I watched as this woman sneezed right onto the fruit. Didn't even cover her mouth or anything.

After she left to go stock something else, I walked over there and noticed that there was a thin layer of something on the fruit. It was mist from her spit, which I have named Spist.

This reminded me of how people at my store turn their head to sneeze all the time. If their hands are full and the sneeze is coming on, many will just turn their head to sneeze and not cover their mouth at all. They won't even use their arm to cover up their sneeze. Which means everything to the right or left of them will get sprayed with Spist.

Now, this is WAY better than sneezing on me, which people do all the time, but still. People don't know what their touching in the store and who has recently sneezed or coughed on what.

We clean the store everyday, but no one thinks to wipe down the Tic-Tacs or packages of gum. All of those contain Spist.

If you happen to pick up something in the store, it's probably wise to wash your hands immediately. Spist can contain many things, most of the time it's phlegm with bits of throat skin in it. Do you really want to be touching throat skin?

So the next time you go shopping, it would probably be best to pick the item that's all the way in the back. That way you're probably safe from flying Spist.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Is The Bathroom Really That Bad?

Our bathroom is forever out of order. On purpose, of course.

I can't stand it when people ask something like 'Well, how bad IS the bathroom?'

If I tell you it's out of order, that means you can't use it. End of story. Not for some people though. They want to know details about what's wrong with it, if they can fix it, if they can just use it real quick, etc. By the time they get done asking questions about it, I'm surprised they haven't peed their pants by how long they took to inquire about the bathroom.

Just once I'd like the conversation to go something like this:

Customer: Can I use the bathroom?

Me: Sorry, it's out of order.

Customer: It is? Well, is it really that bad? I mean, how bad is it? Can I still use it? I'll be fast.

Me: How bad is it? Let's see. Somebody must have let a monkey loose in there, because there is poop with corn in it smeared all over the walls. Someone also must have forgotten their glasses because there is piss all over the corner. Another person puked in the sink - we think they ate Chinese food, somebody else stuffed a bunch of bloody paper towels in the toilet and clogged that up. And oh yeah, someone else also headbutted the mirror in there. I don't think it's usable right now.

Customer: ....

If you're wondering if any of those things have ever happened, yes they have. Just not all at once.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Things I Hate: Farting Customers

The worst thing to ever happen to a cashier is when a customer farts before departing the register area.

Why? Because it lingers, it smells, and the next customer in line usually thinks it was me.

I always get strange looks from people when they think I farted. They know they can smell something, because I usually notice their noses wrinkle up, and then they'll look up at me to see if I am the guilty party. If they can't tell, they usually blame me anyways.

Why can't customers walk to the back of the store or even outside to pass gas? Why do they have to crop dust throughout the store so that the rest of us have to suffer?

Do you realize there is probably fart particles on most or all of our candy? That stuff is directly in the line of fire.

Think about that the next time you buy a Payday or Snickers. Think of who probably farted near it.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Idiot of the Week

I love how shitty people always get away with stuff. I wanted to title this post 'Fuckface of the Week', but my mom hates when I swear.

The other day we had a customer come in telling us that something was wrong with one of our pumps. So we go outside to look, and the screen that tells you how much gas you've pumped is cracked and smashed in.

So we go look it up on our security cameras to see what the hell happened.

Upon further review, we see that about an hour before, a guy was pumping gas. Apparently he was arguing with the woman in his car, because we can see his arms flailing about. Then, he says something to her, turns around, and punches out the pump screen. He continues filling up his gas while yelling at her, and then drives away.

That screen that he punched out is going to cost $600 to fix because he damaged all kinds of computer hardware stuff inside when he did that.

We got a license plate from the cameras, yet when the police checked on it, I guess the license plate didn't match the car nor anyone that lived at that residence.

So once again, some shithead is going to get away with damaging someone else's property.

Hopefully something good will come out of this, but I doubt it. Trash that punches out people/stuff usually make sure to cover their tracks.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Step Right Up, Folks

I remember an incident that happened when I first started working at the store...

It was morning, and I was just waking up and stumbling into work.

As I opened the door, I see a man laying on the floor inside our store. He's kinda just laying there and moving around a little like he's in pain.

I stare for a second and go up to the night shift girl and ask her what happened.

She tells me the guy just fell down and thinks he might be having a heart attack or something, so she called the police and they are on their way.

So we're standing there watching and making sure this guy is okay, even though there's not much we can do but wait until the ambulance shows up.

The one thing I remember about this and will never forget is that here this guy is, spread out on the ground right in front of the front doors, writhing in pain, and customers are actually walking in and stepping over him to come up to the register.


I couldn't believe that people were doing this. One guy didn't see him until the last minute and kind of jumped over his body to avoid tripping over him. But that didn't phase him; he just came right up to the register to get his cigarettes, and then hopped over him again on his way out.

I don't know about you, but if I saw a man laying there on the ground at 6 in the morning, I'd get the fuck out of there. There isn't a thing in that store that could tempt me to step over this man's body while he's having a heart attack. Not even a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.

We never knew what happened to that man once the ambulance took him away. Hopefully he didn't have shoe marks on his chest from customers that probably stepped ON him to come in and buy their coffee and cigarettes.

Sadly not one customer that morning asked what was wrong with the guy. I guess it's normal to have people laying on the floor in the middle of a store.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Come Up With Better Crappy Lines

If the item you bring up to the counter doesn't scan, PLEASE don't say "Oh, well I guess it's free today!" or any variation of that.

Do you know how many times a day we hear that? Do you?!?

People use that line all the time. You aren't the first. It's not funny.

Also, to the male customers, when I ask you if you want a bag, don't say "Nah, she's sitting in the car."

a. That's a mean thing to say about your wife

b. You're not original either, I hear that line about 50 times a day

c. You suck.

I think customers need to come up with more original lines.

How about:

Me: Is there anything else you need today?

Customer: Nothing that a hand job and some motor oil won't fix.


Me: Would you like a bag for your purchase?

Customer: Sure, I might need it to take a piss in later on.

I mean, these examples are weird, but at least they're original, right? All I'm saying, is that I just want to hear something different. After 15 years things are getting old.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Why Didn't My Credit Card Work?

Over half of our customers use credit cards to buy their stuff. Many times those credit cards will decline.

The register will only tell us the most basic reasons it declined, such as 'insufficient funds' or something like that.

Why is it that when a customer's credit card declines, they demand to know the exact reason it declined?

Once a card declines, I hear many of these phrases from customers:

"What's wrong with your machine?"
"But I just deposited $100 in there earlier!"
"Declined? No, that's impossible. Try it again."
"There's nothing wrong with my card, you must have done something wrong."

And my personal favorite:

"Give me my card back, you don't know what you're doing."

Sometimes we even get a message on the screen that says for us to destroy the card, which usually means it was reported lost or stolen. Whenever it tells me to destroy the card, the customer that has it always looks like a hardened criminal, so I end up just giving it back to them to avoid me getting kicked in the throat.

As for everyone else, I don't know why your card doesn't work. My register doesn't give me your daily bank statement every time I run it. Don't give me a problem about it, just leave quietly, call your bank and find out yourself what's wrong with your card. Maybe you bought too much midget porn and didn't realize it.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

More Underage Morons

I worked night shift the other night when this punk came in. He wanted to buy cigarettes so I ID'ed him. Naturally, he didn't have it on him.

Like they all do, he starts telling me that he comes in here all the time.

So he starts looking around and sees my husband-to-be (who happened to be just visiting) sitting near the register. He's like 'You remember me, dude, right? You see me in here all the time.'

I politely informed him that my husband-to-be doesn't even work there, and all he said was 'Oh.' So he storms out, and of course, peeled away in his car.

Why do people do this? Do they think that squealing their tires will scare me or something? Am I going to poop my pants in fear that this guy may come back?

To all the underage teens out there: I don't give a fuck who you are, how many times you come in the store, or even that you turned 18 yesterday. If you don't have your ID, get out of my store and go bother someone else.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Lost in Another World

I've noticed that when someone comes up to my register with a booger in their nose, I can't pay attention to anything but that booger.

Last night I had a woman come in and there it was, dangling away. I had to have her repeat what she wanted because everything around me had totally ceased to exist and it was just me and her booger trapped in space and time.

I finally came out of it and got her cigarettes, but had no idea what else she had said to me. She could have offered me a million dollars for all I know.

I feel like I lost about 4 minutes of my life that I can never get back.

It's kind of the same with some of these nose rings people are wearing. They don't realize that the post sticking out inside their nose looks just like a booger.

Maybe the booger is the new fashion?

Monday, June 14, 2010

Trouble in Paradise

I think one of my co-workers hates me. I found this in my register over the weekend:

What is that on the money, you ask? THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S BLOOD!

I had just started my shift on Saturday when I saw that in the register. I pulled it out to inspect them closer, and almost gagged when I realized what was on the money.

Seriously, who bleeds all over money like this? Did someone cut you up over $6? Were you in a deadly poker game? Did you pull it off a dead body? I mean really, what happened?

And what kind of cashier actually accepts money like this?? Was the customer bleeding profusely when they handed it to the cashier? Was that not a sign? If someone handed this to me I would have given it right back and told them to take their bloody body and go somewhere else.

After touching this money by accident, I ended up sterilizing my hands so much I almost burned the skin off.

I don't think I'd hate ANY customer enough to hand them this back as their change.

If a co-worker of mine left this on purpose for me, I will find out. I really don't have anything else better to do. I'm totally ready to devote all my time to solving this potential long as it's while I'm at work.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Dear Customer,...

Dear Lady,

Screw you. Don't come up to the register with a bag bursting full of doughnuts and tell me that you're buying 'two tiny little ones' (your words). Smashing together a cinnamon roll and an apple fritter does not create one doughnut.

You must have crammed at least 6 of them in there, because I noticed that the bag was about to break. I wish it would have, spilling your dirty little secret all over the floor.

I tried to peer into the bag to see what you really had, but you hugged it closer to your body and soon a glazed doughnut peeking out was sticking to your chest.

How surprised you were when your 'two tiny little ones' cost you $6.50. How surprised I was when you didn't even argue the price. Maybe by then you had realized the error of your ways.

I hope you have fun shoving all those doughnuts in your mouth. Maybe you'll even puke a little in your mouth afterwards from all that sugar.

Just writing a little note to let you know that I don't want to see your puffed-out doughnut-face in my store again.

Hugs and Kisses,


Thursday, June 10, 2010

Here's Your Change, Satan

It's funny watching people get all freaked out and nervous when their total comes to $6.66.

Some people start to look a little pale, others look around uncomfortably as if the Devil is lurking just around the corner ready to steal their pack of smokes...or steal their soul, whichever comes first.

Usually I'll play it up too, and go "Uh, oh, you better buy something else" just so we sell more.

I've learned that Satan's numbers are great for business. People will be quick to buy anything just to get $6.66 off the screen. I usually suggest they purchase something we need to get rid of, or something that's expiring soon.

I've never seen anyone smile or go "Cool!" when their total is $6.66. Usually I'm the one smiling because I know we'll sell more.

Sometimes I'll try to get people to play the lottery with 666, but I rarely get any takers.

I wonder if I can rig something in the store to automatically play an evil Satan-ish laugh when someone gets that number. My guess is that a lot of people would piss themselves. On second thought, bad idea. That means more clean-up for me.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Things I Hate: Cigarette Packers

Lots of people pack their cigarettes. Why? I'm not really sure. I think it's to pack the tobacco tighter inside so that they are easier to light. Or maybe there's another reason. I smoked for 15 years and never packed my cigarettes. I liked a little challenge when lighting up a smoke.

There are, however, customers that will pack cigarettes right in front of me. That's fine and all, if they use their hand to pack the cigarettes.

The ones that use the front counter to bang their cigarettes on? Well, that pisses me off.

We have a regular customer come in every day that does this. He will buy his smokes, and while I'm screwing around in the cash register to give him his change back, he will pack his cigarettes on the counter. And it's not just one or two times. He does this about 15 times.

Every time I get him in my line, I cringe. When he's packing his smokes, I can't hear any other customers talking to me because it's so freaking loud!

I've been tempted to ask him to go do that somewhere else, but I seriously think he just got out of jail or something. He's got that crazy look in his eyes. Never says anything, just buys his smokes and packs them on the counter. Then he leaves, but he's got that jailhouse walk like he used to have a boyfriend in jail named Bubba that liked to do nasty things to him.

He's seriously starting to annoy me. So for now, every time he does this, I give him back the crappiest looking money I have in my drawer.

But if I ever disappear and you never hear from me again, that probably means I got annoyed enough to say something to him and he killed me. Wish me luck!

Monday, June 7, 2010

5 Hour Energy Woes

We sell a lot of crap in our store. But the one thing that we sell a lot of is this:

5 Hour Energy: I've used it myself many times; especially when I have to work night shift. Sure it sometimes gives me the shakes, but it definitely works to keep me awake!

Now, what I didn't understand, was when they came out with this:

5 Hour Energy DECAF. What the hell is this for? It says on the bottle that it's equal to something like one and a half cups of decaf coffee. Who wants to drink decaf coffee for energy?

I began a search for someone that could tell me what the point of this product was, but no one else knew either.

Sadly, no one bought any of these in our store and shortly after, they expired.

I know I'm just a lowly cashier, but could someone explain to me why they would make a product like this? It's been bothering me for months!

Friday, June 4, 2010

Why Can't I Pump My Gas??

If you want to pump gas at our store, you will have to pay us first. We don't automatically turn the pumps on anymore because as gas prices went up, so did the number of drive-offs.

So we have signs everywhere saying that if you are paying cash, you have to prepay. How hard is that?

Apparently it's pretty difficult. We regularly get people coming in all pissed off because we won't turn the pump on for them.

The thing that gets me is that some people will wait a looooong time for the pump to be turned on. I usually just wait until they give up and come inside, but if they are standing out there for over 10 minutes waiting for the pump to be turned on, then I feel bad and go outside and tell them they have to pay first. Seriously though, who waits over 10 minutes for a gas pump to start working? Wouldn't you go inside before then and ask what's going on?

And then we get these people:

Customer *storming in*: Could you turn on the pump? I've been waiting there for 5 minutes.

Me: You have to pay first before you can pump.

Customer *storming up to the register*: Well, I don't know how much it's going to take!!!

And then they stand there and stare at me. Well, I don't know how much it's going to fucking take either, it's not my car.

So I tell them that they can leave their credit card or drivers license with me while they pump the gas. This usually pisses them off more and I get the irritating sigh from them. The irritating sigh is made even worse when their breath stinks.

Just once I'd love to tell them to go fucking get their gas somewhere else. I wouldn't get fired, would I?

Thursday, June 3, 2010

I Didn't Know it was Expired

It's normal to have customers come in with coupons. Anywhere from cigarettes to condoms (yes, condoms), people bring in their coupons to use in our store.

What they don't know, is that I'm the coupon police.

I obsessively check coupons to make sure they are real, and also to make sure they aren't expired. Many times they are expired.

Some people really don't know their coupons are expired, but most of them do know. And they try to use them in my store.

I can always tell when someone knows. It's all in their reaction when I tell them the coupon is expired.

The ones that had no idea will be like 'It is? Oh, I'm so sorry.'

But the customers that know their coupon is expired and are using it to try and get away with something will automatically, without any thought, say something like 'Oh, well throw it away then.' They will not question at all about their coupon not being usable. They usually won't even look up at me when they are saying this. Like they are afraid to look me in the eye.

So that's how I know that those people are lying. But, at least they don't argue with me like some customer did one time.

Me: I'm sorry, sir, this coupon is expired.

Customer: What are you talking about? What's expired?

Me: Your coupon.

Customer: Coupons don't expire. Give me my $1 off these smokes.

Me: Yes they do sir. (I show him the coupon.)

Customer: That's bullshit. It's just a piece of paper. Scratch the expiration date off and no one will know.

Me: Sorry, won't work.

Customer: Fine, I'll just go somewhere else and use it.

That's when he ripped the coupon out of my hand, left his stuff on the counter and walked out. Fuckface.

My point? Please check your coupon's expiration date before handing them over to your friendly cashier. It's not our fault if you're caught being an idiot.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Please Go Away Annoying Lottery Lady

Today was extremely busy. So busy, in fact, that I got pissed off at a regular customer.

This woman has been coming into our store for about 15 years now. She is, of course, a lottery customer. Ever since I started working there full-time, she made sure that I was the only person that printed her lottery tickets. So for about 8 years now, I've played her tickets for her.

She's become the most annoying person on the planet.

She will come in and get angry if I'm not there. Get angry as in yelling at whoever IS there about why I'm not there.

If I haven't pre-warned her that I'm taking a day off, she will bitch about it to my co-workers. She complains about me, yet buys me Christmas presents every year.

She sometimes calls on the phone to give me her numbers if she's going to be late. If I don't answer the phone, she repeatedly calls every 60 seconds until someone answers the phone. One time I refused to answer the phone and I swear it rang 20 times within a half hour before I couldn't take it anymore and picked up.

The thing that irritates me most about this lady is that after every transaction with her, she will confirm with me what day I am working next. I've been dealing with this lady for 8 years now, you think she'd know my freaking schedule by now.

Fortunately I pissed her off today by telling her that I won't be in on Saturday. I could see the steam coming from her ears. I swear I even think I saw Satan in her eyes.

Hopefully she wins the lottery one day and leaves me alone for good.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Holiday Weekend Fun

As usual, I had to work the weekend. It was extra special because it was a holiday weekend. That meant tons of beer, ice and propane tanks were sold.

Which also meant that I had to go outside and unlock the ice cooler and propane cage for every single customer that wanted them. And that is the one thing I hate doing.

That also meant that I got bitched at by other customers waiting in line every time I stepped away from the register to go outside.

I don't know why everyone was in such a freaking hurry this weekend. My advice?


Why come into a store and push around the cashier just because you couldn't get your lazy ass out of bed and now you're late for the family picnic? It's not my fault you're cranky because you didn't get any last night. Invest in a blow-up doll.

I had to go outside to get a customer some ice, and one guy was in line and yelling at me to get back behind the register. Because of him, I took an extra long time outside helping the customer.

I think I seriously need a break from people. Or at least make sure I don't work any holiday weekends. People seem to have forgotten what certain holidays are all about.

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