Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Sluts and Cigarettes

It was a dark and stormy night at the gas station. I was working night shift and not in the best of moods because I was tired and it was probably that time of the month.

Customers were in and out all night, mostly buying cigarettes and beer. I was furiously carding all the customers as they all looked too young to be smoking and drinking.

One particular ho caught my attention. She walked in wearing a workout outfit, but the top of her outfit was so tight that it hoisted her already large cleavage upward and outward. I immediately wondered how uncomfortable that must be to workout like that at the gym.

"Can I have a pack of Salem Light 100s?" she said, popping her gum loudly in my face. Part of the gum got stuck on her lip, so she used her long claw-like purple sparkled fingernails to wipe the stray piece of gum away.

"I'll need your ID," I said, as I turned around to grab her cigarettes.

"Excuse me?" she said, staring at me with her fake eyelashes. It kind of looked like one of them was about to come off and land on her cheek.

"I need your ID," I repeated.

"Are you serious?" she scoffed, still staring at me.

"Yes," I said, now getting annoyed at this attitude from her.

"I can't fucking believe this. What an idiot," she said as she turned around on her heel, marching back outside. I watched as her butt jiggled like lumpy cottage cheese and her cankles screamed with the weight she was putting on them. I could tell those things were going to give out any day now.

As she walked to her car, I saw her stick her body through the passenger side window, reaching in to get her ID. I was worried that she was going to get stuck in her window and that I'd have to call the fire department to get her wedged out from there. Luckily she backed her body out of her window and headed back inside.

She stormed up to the register and I swear the ground moved as she walked. She whipped her ID out of her wallet and slid it across the counter to me. I looked at it to verify that she was old enough. March 3, 1993. 18 years old.

"Are you kidding me?" I said as I looked up at her. "You just turned 18 years old and you're giving me a fucking problem about getting ID'd?"

"I told you I was 18!" she yelled. I noticed that some her Purely Pink lipstick was getting stuck to her crooked teeth.

"How am I supposed to know that you just turned 18? We don't have some kind of database here that lets me know when every single person on the planet is old enough to buy cigarettes," I yelled back. By this time I was mad that she was causing a scene about this and trying to make me look stupid. "You know what? Since you want to make such a big deal about it, go buy your cigarettes somewhere else. I'm not selling them to you."

"Fine, you're a rude bitch anyhow. I hope you get caught selling to minors and have to go to jail," she said as she stormed out, and I once again had to witness her jiggly behind.

Nice comeback, fuckface.

As she got in her car and peeled away, she made sure to stop her car by my window and flick me off before driving away. Why do people always do that? I don't understand? Is that like having the last word or something?

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Drama on Night Shift

Worked half of a night shift last night in order to train the new night shift person.

It was unusually busy, besides our usual cigar-buying assholes. Why?

Because apparently there was a standoff a few streets over, meaning there was a guy with a gun and a hostage in his basement and police were on the scene.

This meant that everyone in the area wanted to come by and see what was going on. This also meant that they stopped in to buy snacks and drinks.

I only found out about it because so many customers were talking about it. People were popping popcorn in our microwave so that they could go sit nearby on the lawn and watch the events unfold!

I'm glad so many people found enjoyment in such a scary situation.

Actually, I would have done the exact same thing.

Luckily though, the standoff ended without incident. I'm still curious to see who this person with the gun was and if he was one of our customers. I'm guessing I know him. Many of our customers forget or refuse to take their medicine, which is what happened with this guy.

Friday, July 22, 2011

License to Drive. Or Kill. Whichever.

I hate it that customers know what kind of car I drive. When I'm not at the store I like to have my own personal time. There's nothing worse than driving in my car, hearing a beep and seeing a customer waving frantically at me just because he saw me on the road and outside of my store. I even had one customer follow me to my house (I didn't even notice I was being followed or else I wouldn't have gone home) just to see where I lived and to make small talk with me as I got out of my car.

So lately I've taken to sometimes driving my husband's car into work. This prompts many questions from customers as to where my car is.

"What's wrong with your car? Is it in the shop?"

"I didn't think you were working today. Where's your car?" and so on and so on.

The worst is when they SEE me driving my husband's car into work.

"Wow! How can you afford a MUSTANG?!? You really make that much on a cashier's salary?" which makes me want to say "Go away, fuckface" but I don't. I just smile politely and tell them it's my husband's car. After that they usually nod with understanding, which confuses me. What if it WAS my car? Are they saying I shouldn't be driving an expensive car just because I'm a cashier?

I seriously can't stand people sometimes. Totally not looking forward to working this weekend. Only 2 more weeks until the Carnival from Hell arrives.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Why People Suck: Cheating at Raffles

We like to have contests and promotions in our store because it helps bring more customers in.

This time we are going to have a raffle for a Red Bull mini scooter, which looks something like this:

Customers get a raffle ticket when they buy any 2 Red Bull products. Sounds simple, right?

Not for our customers. People that buy Monster energy drinks as well as Rockstar are getting pissed off because they don't qualify for the drawing.

Isn't the point of something like this is to have you switch over and start buying the right products for the drawing?

Now I'm getting people yelling at me because I won't give them a raffle ticket to fill out when they come up to the register with something other than Red Bull. Most of these people I've never even seen before!

I'm betting this scooter gets stolen way before the raffle ends. People seem to be frothing at the mouth to get their hands on this thing which is really only big enough for a kid.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

What to Read: The Slammer

We've just started getting a weekly newspaper called The Slammer. This newspaper covers all the arrests that were made the previous week in my area.

This newspaper is funny as hell. Why? Because every week there is at least one customer in it. Whenever I see someone I know in this paper, I wait for that person to come into the store so I can laugh and ask them about it.

But sadly, everyone I've ever seen has never been in the store since being featured in this newspaper. I think having their picture posted in it scares some of them into ever venturing into public places again.

I think if my picture was in it I'd put it on a badge and wear it on my shirt every day to work. Maybe it would deter people from fucking with me since they'd know I was "doing hard time" in jail, when in all honesty I'd probably be hit on by a 500 lb. woman with tattoos on her face wanting to make me her "Snuggle Buddy".

Has anyone read this newspaper? It's hilarious to read it every week. I think I'm going to apply to write for them - this stuff is right up my alley!

Note: Check out the girl in the first full row of the picture I've posted - she's having her head held there by a pair of latex-gloved hands. And no, that's not me!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Strange Happenings at the Store

This post might be a little TMI, but I'm going to talk about it anyways.

I've probably talked about this customer before (I'm too tired from night shift to go back and look it up) but I'm going to mention him again.

There's this boy that comes into the store and I've watched him grow up over the years. He used to come in with his dad and was probably about 10 years old at the time. As the years have gone by, I've seen him change drastically right before my eyes.

Once he hit his teen years he dyed his hair black and started painting his finger nails black as well as wearing black nail polish. I thought "Oh great, another Goth kid". But I was wrong.

Shortly after that I noticed he wore tighter clothing and also started talking with a lisp. He was also swaying his hips as he walked around the store. This went on for a few years, which made him around 15 or 16 at this time. I could tell he was rebelling against whoever it was that pissed him off because every time he came into the store it's like he wanted everyone to know he was gay. It's as if he was waiting for some kind of reaction from us.

I personally don't give a shit whether he's gay or not, as long as he doesn't cause any trouble.

Anyways, one night I was working night shift and he came in with another kid. (I call them kids because 15 years old is a kid to me.)

Him and his friend practically skipped around the store chasing after each other while smiling and laughing and being in love. When they came up to the counter, it was apparent they were going to "do it" with each other that night because one of them set condoms on the counter to buy. Sadly they weren't the strangest customers I had that night.

Fast forward to the other day and this kid comes in again. It was 7am on Sunday morning. He had headphones on, tight black pants and a black leather vest with no shirt on underneath. Oh, and also a black leather cap on, too because if you're going to do the Village People look, it's got to be complete. He walked around the store for awhile dancing to whatever music he was listening to. He really started getting into it too, because the next thing I know he's doing a pirouette in the middle of the store next to the Steak-umms.

He finally comes up to the register and sets a pack of gum down on the counter. I asked him how he was doing today and he replied that he was great.

However, this is where I became confused. When he spoke to me, I noticed that he was missing his 4 front teeth. He had all of his teeth a few weeks ago.

The first thing I thought of (I swear I'm going to hell), was that he knocked his front teeth out so he could give better blow jobs.

Seriously. He had teeth the last time I saw him.

Please tell me this isn't some kind of fad. Do people do this sort of thing?

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Preparing for Night Shift

Whenever I've worked night shifts in the past, the most annoying and uncomfortable part about that shift is the people that stand around and try to flirt with me.

I don't like it, and I always wish they would just leave me alone. I don't have time to listen to their lame pickup lines and I especially don't like the way they leer at me.

So in an attempt to try to deter these people, I've been trying to look as crappy as possible before I work a night shift. I figure that the more atrocious I look and smell, the more these people will be less likely to flirt with me.

When I know I have to work night shift, I will make sure I don't wash my hair for a few days so it is nice and greasy. I also never wear makeup on night shift. As for my clothing, I opt for something baggy and preferably with holes in it.

I also make sure I never wear deodorant so that I am nice and smelly. I even sometimes don't brush my teeth before work. I get rid of any nail polish as well as any jewelry I have on.

My point in doing all of this is so that nobody can find anything attractive on me whatsoever.

It still doesn't work though. These weirdos really don't care who they are flirting with, as long as they have a vagina, I guess.

It looks like I'm going to have to be more drastic. Maybe a fake scar across my forehead, or even a running supply of snot down my face. Or maybe I should get a fake beard so people will think I am a guy.

What do you think? Got any suggestions?

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

July 4th Drunks

It's unbelievable how many people came in drunk last night. I didn't even want to know how many of them were actually driving, which is why I made sure not to look outside after they left.

But I did make a killing last night from all the drunks that didn't want to wait around for me to give them change.


So keep on drinking, people (but not driving)! I need a new wardrobe!

Friday, July 1, 2011

Quitting Co-Workers

Sometimes I can't stand the people I work with.

We've had this guy work for us about two years. He's around 27 years old and hasn't been very reliable over the past years. Actually, I have no idea why he still works for us because I've been dying to fire him for about a year now.

When he DOES work, he's very good. Hard worker and nice to customers. He even fills in on the night shift once a week.

Well he's burned me a few times and hasn't shown up for work where I've had to cancel my plans and stay because there's no one else to work at the last minute. Like I said, no idea why he still works for us. I think my dad feels bad for him or something.

The main reason he needs a lot of time off of work is because he's in a band. I think he plays drums or something. When he calls off work, it's usually because the band needs to practice or has a 'gig'.

It's good to have dreams and all, but sometimes you just have to grow up.

He lives with his mom, who is an enabler. She's called off for him sometimes, when he didn't even feel like calling in. She's probably one of those parents that thinks her 27 year-old son is going to make it big with his band and that it's only a matter of time. She's just as clueless as he is.

Well, because of a 'gig' with his band, he didn't show up for work this past weekend and just as I was about to fire him, he called and quit. He said that he was sorry, but that he needed to choose between work and his music and he was choosing his music.

So now I'm stuck working night shift this holiday weekend. But that's okay, I'm glad he's gone. I've wanted him out of here for a long time.

Let's hope he decides to grow up one day and realize he needs money to survive.

Somehow, I think he'll end up being that musician standing on a street corner collecting donations in a hat.

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