Our bathroom is forever out of order. On purpose, of course.
I can't stand it when people ask something like 'Well, how bad IS the bathroom?'
If I tell you it's out of order, that means you can't use it. End of story. Not for some people though. They want to know details about what's wrong with it, if they can fix it, if they can just use it real quick, etc. By the time they get done asking questions about it, I'm surprised they haven't peed their pants by how long they took to inquire about the bathroom.
Just once I'd like the conversation to go something like this:
Customer: Can I use the bathroom?
Me: Sorry, it's out of order.
Customer: It is? Well, is it really that bad? I mean, how bad is it? Can I still use it? I'll be fast.
Me: How bad is it? Let's see. Somebody must have let a monkey loose in there, because there is poop with corn in it smeared all over the walls. Someone also must have forgotten their glasses because there is piss all over the corner. Another person puked in the sink - we think they ate Chinese food, somebody else stuffed a bunch of bloody paper towels in the toilet and clogged that up. And oh yeah, someone else also headbutted the mirror in there. I don't think it's usable right now.
Customer: ....
If you're wondering if any of those things have ever happened, yes they have. Just not all at once.
Showing posts with label public bathroom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label public bathroom. Show all posts
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Coming Back From Hell With Another Poop Story
Ahh, finally starting to feel better. Yesterday was rough though. I could have posted, but I didn't want to puke or crap on my keyboard, so I stayed away.
I don't think I've ever been this sick before. Some customer must have really wanted to get back at me for something!
Speaking of poop, this reminds me of a story.
We had this old man come in one time with his wife. He asked where the bathroom was, and since I felt bad because they were so old, I let them use it. Before he walked in there with his wife, he asked if we sold Immodium AD. As soon as asked for Immodium AD, my heart fell. One of those two had baaaad diarrhea.
So I pointed to the section where we kept the Immodium AD and he walked over to it and came back up and bought it. Then he started to lead his wife to the bathroom, telling us she really had to use it.
Me and my coworker couldn't do anything but hope for the best in there.
About 45 minutes later, the man comes out with his wife, and she has no pants on. Luckily her long coat covered her hoo-ha, but we could still see her pale white chicken legs. The man was also carrying a trash bag in his hands.
He came up to me and said that we needed to put another trash bag in there because his wife made a mess and he had to clean it all up and was going to throw the bag in the dumpster, along with her pants.
I thanked the man profusely for cleaning up after his wife and watched as they walked outside and he held the door for her while she got in the car.
That's a good kind of customer. Didn't leave any kind of mess at all for us to clean up. As they drove away, I made a promise to myself that I would find a husband that would one day clean up after me if I ever shit all over a public restroom.
I don't think I've ever been this sick before. Some customer must have really wanted to get back at me for something!
Speaking of poop, this reminds me of a story.
We had this old man come in one time with his wife. He asked where the bathroom was, and since I felt bad because they were so old, I let them use it. Before he walked in there with his wife, he asked if we sold Immodium AD. As soon as asked for Immodium AD, my heart fell. One of those two had baaaad diarrhea.
So I pointed to the section where we kept the Immodium AD and he walked over to it and came back up and bought it. Then he started to lead his wife to the bathroom, telling us she really had to use it.
Me and my coworker couldn't do anything but hope for the best in there.
About 45 minutes later, the man comes out with his wife, and she has no pants on. Luckily her long coat covered her hoo-ha, but we could still see her pale white chicken legs. The man was also carrying a trash bag in his hands.
He came up to me and said that we needed to put another trash bag in there because his wife made a mess and he had to clean it all up and was going to throw the bag in the dumpster, along with her pants.
I thanked the man profusely for cleaning up after his wife and watched as they walked outside and he held the door for her while she got in the car.
That's a good kind of customer. Didn't leave any kind of mess at all for us to clean up. As they drove away, I made a promise to myself that I would find a husband that would one day clean up after me if I ever shit all over a public restroom.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
No You May Not Use the Bathroom.
I come to you with yet another bathroom story.
As you know, we keep it out of order because we are tired of people stealing stuff and abusing the bathroom. But we DO let regular customers use it and people who seem honest enough.
The other day, one of our male employees was working. A customer came in, wanting to use the bathroom. Since no one had ever seen this guy before, the employee told him it was out of order.
Customer: But I really need to go. My stomach is rumblin' bad. (Yeah, that's a definite no.)
Employee: Sorry, but it's out of order.
Customer: Well where else am I supposed to go?
Employee: I don't know. You could try across the street, or go behind the bushes like everyone else.
Customer (getting enraged): If you don't let me use the bathroom, I'm going to beat the shit out of you.
Employee: Sir, the bathroom doesn't work. It's not our fault that people steal parts out of it. If you have a problem with that, I can call the police.
Customer: F*** You. I'll meet you outside later. (For what, a fight at recess?)
And with that he walked away. Hmm...an employee getting threatened for not letting someone use the bathroom? Come on, people. Go before you leave the house! Isn't that what we teach children?
Would you ever threaten someone if they didn't let you use the bathroom? If it were me and I was considered crazy, then I'd probably poop on the floor to make a statement rather than threaten to beat someone up.
As you know, we keep it out of order because we are tired of people stealing stuff and abusing the bathroom. But we DO let regular customers use it and people who seem honest enough.
The other day, one of our male employees was working. A customer came in, wanting to use the bathroom. Since no one had ever seen this guy before, the employee told him it was out of order.
Customer: But I really need to go. My stomach is rumblin' bad. (Yeah, that's a definite no.)
Employee: Sorry, but it's out of order.
Customer: Well where else am I supposed to go?
Employee: I don't know. You could try across the street, or go behind the bushes like everyone else.
Customer (getting enraged): If you don't let me use the bathroom, I'm going to beat the shit out of you.
Employee: Sir, the bathroom doesn't work. It's not our fault that people steal parts out of it. If you have a problem with that, I can call the police.
Customer: F*** You. I'll meet you outside later. (For what, a fight at recess?)
And with that he walked away. Hmm...an employee getting threatened for not letting someone use the bathroom? Come on, people. Go before you leave the house! Isn't that what we teach children?
Would you ever threaten someone if they didn't let you use the bathroom? If it were me and I was considered crazy, then I'd probably poop on the floor to make a statement rather than threaten to beat someone up.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
The Bathroom (continued)...
My favorite bathroom customers are the ones that come in all hopeful, see a sign pointing them to the direction of the bathroom, and then quickly walk over to the bathroom only to discover that it isn't working. I love watching it as this happens, because their shoulders fall in disappointment, and then they immediately turn around in the hopes that I'll notice their distress and come to their rescue by letting them use our employee bathroom in the back. Yeah, right. Usually when I see them start to turn around, I'll quickly look down so as to not notice them pleading at me with their eyes. After that, the normal people just usually walk out.
But then there's the other types. There are the people that see the sign, yet will continue to walk on over to the bathroom and proceed to try the door handle to see if it's really locked. When I see this, I ask myself this question:
What are they going to do in there if the door to an Out of Order bathroom is unlocked?
I mean, if it says its out of order, then its probably not working, right? And that most likely means there is some kind of clog going on in that toilet. So the only thing I can think of, is that they are going to proceed to shit and piss on top of the shit and piss that is in there clogging the toilet, right? They probably figure that it's already broken and needs to be plunged, so what's one more load in there.
These people I would like to smack if I could. But usually they try the bathroom door, see it is locked and then go on their merry way.
Then there are the types that see it is out of order and decide to come up and talk to me about it. Some will come up and sweet talk me, asking “if I buy something can I use the bathroom then?” The answer is: no.
There are others that come up to me and ask me if the bathroom is really out of order. If I don't know them, I say yes. Then they proceed to do the pee dance and say they really need to go and want to know if I know where other bathrooms are. No, I don't. Why? Because I could care less that you forgot to use the facilities before you left your house. Isn't that what we ask our children all the time? 'Use the bathroom before we leave, Jimmy, because we aren't stopping on the way. That rule should still apply to some people these days.
There are some people that come in and you can tell they need to take a massive crap and who knows what else. These people are the reason I'm glad the bathroom doesn't work. As soon as you tell them that the bathroom is out of order, they simply say 'Oh no' and run out of the store eager to find another place to go. Yes, my friend, you are the reason that I never give the bathroom key out anymore.
But then there's the other types. There are the people that see the sign, yet will continue to walk on over to the bathroom and proceed to try the door handle to see if it's really locked. When I see this, I ask myself this question:
What are they going to do in there if the door to an Out of Order bathroom is unlocked?
I mean, if it says its out of order, then its probably not working, right? And that most likely means there is some kind of clog going on in that toilet. So the only thing I can think of, is that they are going to proceed to shit and piss on top of the shit and piss that is in there clogging the toilet, right? They probably figure that it's already broken and needs to be plunged, so what's one more load in there.
These people I would like to smack if I could. But usually they try the bathroom door, see it is locked and then go on their merry way.
Then there are the types that see it is out of order and decide to come up and talk to me about it. Some will come up and sweet talk me, asking “if I buy something can I use the bathroom then?” The answer is: no.
There are others that come up to me and ask me if the bathroom is really out of order. If I don't know them, I say yes. Then they proceed to do the pee dance and say they really need to go and want to know if I know where other bathrooms are. No, I don't. Why? Because I could care less that you forgot to use the facilities before you left your house. Isn't that what we ask our children all the time? 'Use the bathroom before we leave, Jimmy, because we aren't stopping on the way. That rule should still apply to some people these days.
There are some people that come in and you can tell they need to take a massive crap and who knows what else. These people are the reason I'm glad the bathroom doesn't work. As soon as you tell them that the bathroom is out of order, they simply say 'Oh no' and run out of the store eager to find another place to go. Yes, my friend, you are the reason that I never give the bathroom key out anymore.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
The Bathroom
I'd like to meet the idiot that made it a requirement to have a bathroom in a store. I bet they never had to clean up after the public.
We used to have a bathroom that was working. That was before we had a Bathroom Thief. We used to leave the bathroom unlocked so that people could come and go as they pleased and do their business. But then we started having complaints that the toilet wouldn't flush, things like that. So about once a week for a few months, we noticed that someone would steal the chain from inside the toilet. You know, the thing that makes the toilet WORK?
We often wondered why someone would just steal that, when there were plenty of napkins and toilet paper that they could rip off instead.
We came up with many variations as to why someone would want just the chain. Sell it for drugs, use it to make drugs...But we finally settled on the story that they just didn't want to pay for their own chain from their toilet. But how would that explain them stealing it once a week? Did their toilet chain break that often? I didn't think so. I figured it was someone that was fucking around with us.
But I wasn't able to prove my theory, because shortly thereafter we decided to put the bathroom 'Out of Order' and just let in people that were regular customers.
So this started my obsession with watching people walk in wanting to use the bathroom. I'd like to note that the reason I will never use a public restroom is because of what I've seen in ours. If only people knew what other people before them have done to the bathroom, they'd probably never want to leave their house.
More tomorrow....
We used to have a bathroom that was working. That was before we had a Bathroom Thief. We used to leave the bathroom unlocked so that people could come and go as they pleased and do their business. But then we started having complaints that the toilet wouldn't flush, things like that. So about once a week for a few months, we noticed that someone would steal the chain from inside the toilet. You know, the thing that makes the toilet WORK?
We often wondered why someone would just steal that, when there were plenty of napkins and toilet paper that they could rip off instead.
We came up with many variations as to why someone would want just the chain. Sell it for drugs, use it to make drugs...But we finally settled on the story that they just didn't want to pay for their own chain from their toilet. But how would that explain them stealing it once a week? Did their toilet chain break that often? I didn't think so. I figured it was someone that was fucking around with us.
But I wasn't able to prove my theory, because shortly thereafter we decided to put the bathroom 'Out of Order' and just let in people that were regular customers.
So this started my obsession with watching people walk in wanting to use the bathroom. I'd like to note that the reason I will never use a public restroom is because of what I've seen in ours. If only people knew what other people before them have done to the bathroom, they'd probably never want to leave their house.
More tomorrow....
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