Evil Old People

Sometimes I get really bored, so I'll stare outside. There really isn't that much to look at, but many times I see a lot that makes me think. I do ponder this question often:

Why is it that old people drive such big freaking cars?

I mean, a cute little old granny like this:



pulls into the parking lot driving this:



This raises a few questions.

a) How can she see?

b) How is she going to get out of the parking lot?

While I still haven't figured out how they can see, I do enjoy watching them get out of the parking lot. I also like how these little old ladies can piss off other customers by taking their time backing their cars out.

These old ladies also manage to bump into other cars around them. Why? BECAUSE THEIR CARS ARE TOO BIG FOR THEM TO DRIVE. If I saw a little old lady hit my car, I'd probably kick her in the throat and steal the mints from her purse.

I think all old people should drive Smart Cars.




They're small, efficient and can handle the crappy driving of old people.

Either that, or they should have to retake their driving tests every few years once they hit a certain age.

Which idea do you like better?

Fine, Don't Believe Me

It's no secret that I hate the lottery machine as well as the lottery customers.

But what I really can't stand is when a customer doesn't realize their lottery ticket is a losing ticket.

We had this guy come in one time that brought in a lottery ticket.

"I want to cash this in," he said as he handed it to me with a smile on his face.

I scanned it through the machine and found that it was not a winning ticket.

"Sorry, it says it's not a winner," I said as I handed it back to him.

He took the ticket and looked at me. "What are you talking about? This is a winning ticket, it says so right here. It's a $5,000 winning ticket!" he yelled as he pointed to something on the ticket.

Normally I would look at the ticket and find out where he fucked up thinking it was a winner, but

a) he was yelling at me

b) it's a dick move to bring in a lottery ticket thinking you won a big amount, and not inform the cashier first to ask them if they have enough money to even cash the ticket

"Sorry, it's not a winning ticket," I said as I shrugged my shoulder.

I could see his temper coming out as he started to get red in the face. "You probably cashed it just now and are going to keep the money," he said.

Oh boy, here we go.

"I'm going to call the lottery commission about this store. I know I have a winning ticket and you just pulled some kind of scam. I want my money!" he said as he backed away. I was about to pick up the phone and call the cops on this nutjob, but he ended up turning around and storming out the door.

I never heard anything about it ever again. My guess is that the douchebag went home, maybe even called the lottery, but that someone he knows probably looked at the ticket and saw that it wasn't a winner.

I seriously hate the lottery.

Put it in PARK

Please make sure your car is in PARK when leaving it to go inside our store.

Yesterday this customer came in and walked up to my counter. All of a sudden I heard shouting.

"Sir! Sir! Your car is moving backwards!" a customer yelled.

We all look outside and sure enough, this guy's car is slooooowly going backwards, heading right towards our gas pump.

"Uhh, you might want to go catch that thing," I say as I turn back towards him.

He quickly bolts out the door and runs after his car. He jumps in and puts it in park. I could see him breathing heavily from inside the car because his breath was fogging up the windows. I'm sure he was relieved that his car didn't cause or receive any damage.

The funniest part is that he didn't come back in. My guess is that he was too embarrassed to go back into the store after what happened. I would have been too.

I know that mistakes happen, but it was just too funny watching him wildly flailing his arms around trying to run as fast as he could to get to his car. It was like I was watching a cartoon. I'd have to say that it was the highlight of my freaking day.

But, it would have been bad (and expensive) for him if his car had hit one of our gas pumps.

So that is why you should always check to make sure your car is in PARK before getting out of it. Unless you want to look like an asshole running after your car. In that case, be my guest.

This Thing Here Is Dripping

Why is it some people's goal to piss me off in the morning? I'm fucking tired, people, at least wait until the sun is out to mess with me.

I had this customer come in the other day. He was my first customer of the day, actually. He was walking up to me carrying two plastic bottles of Arizona Iced Tea. However, he was holding one of them sideways and I could see that it was dripping all over the floor.

"What are you doing?" I asked, knowing exactly what he was doing.

"This one is leaking," he said, still holding it sideways. "I wanted to show you."

"Okay, well you could have just told me it was leaking instead of showing me. Now you're making a mess and I have to clean it up." God, I hate people.

"Sorry, I just wanted to show you what it was doing."

"I know what a leaky bottle looks like. Turn it back up and stop spilling it everywhere," I said, now thoroughly pissed off.

I think my customers take pleasure in seeing me get angry. I wonder what happens when this guy is at home: "Honey, the baby shit itself. Let me hold up the diaper so you can see it."

Bottom line: Don't make a mess that I have to clean up. If you tell me it's leaking, I'm probably going to believe you. Don't hold it up to show me. I'm not the idiot here.

I was hoping he'd trip on the mess on his way out, but I could only be so lucky.

We're All Just Great Big Scammers

Why is it that people think they can get something resolved in the middle of the night?

I was working night shift one time when this dickface came in and stormed up to the counter.

"Uh, I got $10 in gas this morning and would like to know why it charged my card $37.76," he said, intently staring at me.

I looked at the clock and it was one in the morning. "I don't know," I said, dreading where this conversation was going.

"Well why are you people charging my card more than I pumped? Is this some kind of a scam or something?" he said, jumping around and waving his arms in the air. He was kind of a little man and looked like an Oompa Loompa, but bald.

What many people don't get is that when you pay at the pump outside with your credit card, it sort of puts a hold on your card to make sure there are funds available for you to pump. Some of these holds go away right away, but some stay pending in your bank account anywhere from a few hours to a day or so, depending on your bank. So when this asshole said he was charged $37.76 for gas, that was really the hold that was put on his card so that he could pump that $10 in gas.

I tried to explain that to him but by this time I didn't even want to deal with him once he said scam. I don't know why people claim scam and think it will magically solve everything.

"Sir, it is one in the morning. What exactly do you think I can do at this hour?"

"I want you to fix it and give me my money back. I tried to use my card somewhere else and it declined," he said, still hopping around.

"Well maybe you should keep more than $37.76 in it," I said, wishing he would call me rude and just leave.

"It's none of your business what I have in my account. Look at you, you just work at a gas station," he said, backing up.

That's right little guy, insult me as you're walking away from me. Real nice.

"You'll have to come back at normal hours and talk to someone instead of being in here at one in the morning and demanding money. That's what robbers do. Do you want me to call the police and say you're robbing me?" I said as I picked up the phone.

He shook his head, called me a bitch and walked out the door.

A few days later I asked around to see if this man had come back trying to get his money. No one saw him, which means that his credit card probably went back to normal once his bank released the funds back into it. Just like I told him.

However, this isn't the first time someone has come in the middle of the night trying to get an issue resolved.

Just because we are open 24 hours doesn't mean that a manager is always here.

Can someone give me any kind of an explanation as to why people do this? I'd really like to know so that I can be more understanding next time.

I Smell Pretty

I worked night shift the other night and had a line of people. I rang up one guy for beer and he turned around and left after his transaction was done.

The next guy in line walked up and looked at me.

"God, you smell really good. What is that?"

"What?" I said, not sure what he was talking about.

"Your perfume. You smell great! I've never smelled that kind before," he said nicely.

I sniffed the air. I smelled it too. And it smelled nice. But it wasn't me.

"Umm, that's not me. That was the guy that was just in front of you that I rang up."

"What?" he said, disbelieving. "No, that's perfume. No guy would be wearing that."

"Well he was," I said with a smile on my face. "It sure isn't me. I'm not even sure I put deodorant on before I came to work."

His face turned beet red. "Are you sure? So I just said a guy smelled nice?"

"Yep. You just told me a guy smelled great."

He started stammering. "Well, a guy shouldn't be wearing perfume, that's just weird. What's wrong with people? And now I just said a guy smelled nice."

He went on, but I just smiled the whole time he was at my register, which made him get even more embarrassed.

He finally walked out with his face still red.

Guys can smell pretty too, right?

Counterfeit Money Pens

We used to get a lot of counterfeit money, but not so much anymore. But we do constantly check big bills to see if they are real.

For some reason, people get all defensive when we check their money. Why is that?

When I am handed a $50 or $100 bill, I will pull out our counterfeit detector pen, which looks like this:



For some reason, the people that give me problems about checking their money usually look like this:



Which means they could probably kick the shit out of me if I find out it's a fake bill.

So with trembling hands I usually check their money and am praying to the cashier gods that it comes out okay.

But most of the time I get middle-aged men that come in and give me a problem. When I pull out my pen, they will usually say something like, "Uhh, it's real. You don't need to be doing that." or "It's not fake, I just got it from the bank."

So-fucking-what if you got it from the bank, sometimes they give out counterfeit money too! Just because you're going through a mid-life crisis and have to act all manly with your $100 bill doesn't mean you have to give me shit about it.

However, I have to confess that I love it when the money comes up fake because these people get all freaked out.

I can always tell if they already knew it was fake, but most of the time they had no clue. So they will get worried and I will go on to tell them that I have to call the police and that the FBI will probably be involved.

This just scares them even more. Yeah yeah, I'm horrible. Whatever. I need to brighten my day somehow, right?

So this is why you should never question anything your local cashier does. He or she could easily hand you back your change, which could contain a counterfeit bill and then YOU would be the one stuck with it.

The New Homeless Lady

There's this woman that comes in that's really been pissing me off lately.

I call her the "Homeless Lady" but I don't think she's homeless. Still, that's what I call her.

She started coming in about a month ago and just kind of blew in with the bad weather. At first she would come in and ask if we could give her a cup of coffee for a penny. I told her no and she'd pull out a dollar and pay for it that way.

Now when she comes in she goes and gets her coffee first, then comes up to the register asking if she can have the coffee for a quarter. When we tell her no she says she doesn't have any more money. So it's either dump out her coffee or let her take it anyways because it would otherwise go in the trash.

While my coworkers let her have the coffee for a quarter, I don't. Once she tells me she doesn't have money I take it and throw it in the trash. If that sounds mean, oh fucking well. She knows exactly what she's doing.

So now when I see her walk in the door, I will immediately run over to her before she touches the coffee. I'll tell her that she has to go pay for it first. She does and then comes back to the coffee counter. But I still have to stand there because if I walk away she will start shoving sugar packets and creamer packets into her pockets. This woman seriously makes my blood boil.

She came in last night and started stealing those little lottery pencils we have laying out. I yelled "GET OUT!" as loud as I could. She looked up, saw me and bolted out the door with a trail of lottery pencils dropping behind her.

I don't know what's wrong with this woman but she's really getting on my last nerve.

Normally I'd ignore someone like that, but then she will just keep on taking things that are free if I don't watch her. So can I really call the cops about something like that?

This may be the first time I've ever clueless on what to do about a customer that just won't go away.

New Years Resolutions

It's funny how everyone's New Years resolutions are either to quit smoking or to lose weight.

Come on, people. How about something more interesting?

What about making a resolution to always clean up after yourself at the coffee counter?

Or how about making sure you always puke in a garbage can instead of right next to it?

Or even to not cram six doughnuts into a bag and tell the cashier you only have two?

I always make one New Years resolution and I never seem to stick to it. I tell myself every year that I will work to be nicer to people.

Then I get to work, and someone always seems to make me fuck up and yell at them.

So this year I'm not going to resolve to be nice. I'm just going to be the same crabby cashier I always am.

Why?

Because some jerk started off my new year yesterday by grabbing a bottle of iced tea and tossing it to his friend, who I hope doesn't play any kind of sport because he dropped it and the glass shattered all over the place.

"Clean-up in Aisle 1" is what I have a feeling I will be hearing a lot this year.