Dear Customer,...

Dear Customer,

I saw you. I bet you didn't think anyone was watching, but I was. I had a hard time believing that someone could stick their finger so far up in their nose. I was worried you would poke your brain and have a seizure near the Red Bull cooler. You were really digging around in there, I hope you found something good.

What I didn't appreciate though, was how you took your finger out of your nose and wiped it on the shelf. That was just fucking gross.

What's even worse, was that I had to go over there and clean it up. I don't know what you have going on, but with all the pus and blood mixed in with your snot, maybe you need to get that checked out or something.

Please do us all a favor and just eat your booger next time.

Sincerely,

Cashier

Fun With Google Search Terms

For those that don't know, Google Analytics will let you know what search terms people put into Google to find your blog. I don't know any other specifics than that. All I know, is that there are some pretty bizarre people out there looking for shit.

Here's what people searched for to find me:

1. butt tacular - I've used the word crap-tacular and crack-tacular, but never butt-tacular before. What exactly did they expect to find?

2. butt crack tacular - Wow, this person was persistant.

3. horny cashier - Hmm, aren't all cashiers horny? Again, what did they think they'd find? A website called hornycashiers.com?

4. do cashiers judge customers - Absolutely! The moment you walk in the door we are probably wondering what crap you will put us through when you reach the counter.

5. hate working at a gas station - Me too, buddy. Me too.

6. i hate touching cashiers - I'm not sure where you are touching them, but I'm sure they don't like it either. Maybe you should be in jail?

7. minimum western union nigeria - Whoever searched for this term probably sent money to a scam. All scams comes from Nigeria!! If you send $200 to Nigeria, you will not receive $1,000,000 in return. How hard is that to understand???

8. things to do to make a cashier mad - Wow, I hope the fuckface that searched for this isn't a customer of mine.

9. im a cashier and i feel like a loser - Don't worry, we've all felt like that at some time. Just blame it on the crappy customers.

10. cracktacular - God, give it up, will you???

Finally - Part 3 of my Shitty Weekend

I'm ringing up someone on Sunday and I see this regular customer over by the coffee counter. He put doughnuts in a bag and I catch him intently watching me while I ring up another customer.

I notice that as soon as I turn my head away from the guy at the coffee counter, he starts shoving things into the doughnut bag. I look at him and he stops. I turn away and he throws more things in his bag. Soon he comes up to the counter. This oughta be good.

He tells me he has 1 doughnut, even though the bag is about to break open.

I tell him that he has to pay for whatever else is in the bag. He opens it up and takes out three of those little flavored coffee creamer packets. We normally let customers have those for free if they want just a few. But not this guy.

The whole time he's had the bag clutched to his body and won't let me look in it.
I tell him to keep taking stuff out of the bag.

He then ends up taking everything out of the bag, which was one doughnut plus 17 of those coffee creamer packets. 17? Really?

I made him pay for every one of those things. Mostly because of the way he was trying to shove them in his bag and hiding them from me.

If you ever wonder why stores hardly have any coffee creamer packets, it's because they don't want to put a lot of them out because PEOPLE TAKE 17 OF THEM AT A TIME.

They are meant to be used in the coffee you are currently buying in the store. Not the coffee you will be drinking for the rest of the month.

I wish people would stop abusing this shit. No wonder prices on everything are so freaking high.

I was glad when the weekend was over. Hopefully this weekend will be better, but I doubt it. Customers are shittier on the weekends.

Part 2 of my Shitty Weekend

The next shitty customer came in shortly after the old hag from yesterday.

This customer is a pervert and he makes me uncomfortable when he's around. He's always telling me how he 'gets naked' with girls on the chat lines. Whatever the fuck that means.

Anyways, a little background on me: I'm getting married next year and this idiot noticed the ring on my finger right away. Now, every week when he comes in he asks if I'm still getting married.

So this weekend he comes in and asks me if I set a date for the wedding. I told him I did. I try to keep the answers short with him so I don't have to talk to him as much. This didn't stop him this time though.

He starts asking me if this is my first marriage. I say yes, and that it will be my only marriage. This must have set him off because he starts going off on how I'll be sorely mistaken, nothing ever lasts, i'll be lucky if I'm only married once, etc. etc.

This pisses me off because:

A) I didn't ask for his opinion and,

B) He's a creepy 50-year-old with a Batman tattoo on his arm.

He then tells me that he's been married 3 times and they've all ended badly. Well no shit, Sherlock. If you acted in your marriages like you're acting now, I'd divorce your whiny ass too. How he got 3 woman to say 'I do', no one will ever know.

So I start telling him to have a nice day, in order to get him the hell out of my store. He starts walking away and wishing me 'good luck'. Screw you, asshole.

I ask again: What the hell is wrong with people?

Can anyone answer that for me?

Anyone?

My shitty weekend ends with Part 3 tomorrow...

Part 1 of my Shitty Weekend

Wow, I had a shitty weekend. Every customer annoyed the hell out of me.

Well, only 2 of them really did. No, make that 3.

The first? A lottery customer.

I learned a long time ago not to piss off an old woman trying to get lottery tickets. Some of these people are obsessed and will bite your head off. Just like this old hag.

Every time this woman comes into the store, I swear I die a little on the inside. She's mean, rude and has a bitchy comment to me every time. It's a love/hate relationship. I hate her and she loves her lottery.

This time I was working with a new girl, so I couldn't pawn off this old woman on her. She probably would have quit working for us.

So anyways, this lady wants me to tell her what number every lottery ticket is on. This while I've got a line of customers. So I quickly tell her the numbers and ask her which one she wants. She says, 'I don't know, if you'd move your big body out of the way I might be able to see.'

This pissed me off. Bad.

So I told her she was being rude and to hurry up and get her tickets and get out. This only encouraged her to be even more of a nasty old bitch. I had to stand there while she took 10 more minutes to pick out her lottery tickets and make me ring them up one at a time.

I couldn't wait to get away from her, she made me so angry. I had to take a few minutes break in the back room before I could go back out there after she left.

I hate shitty people and their shitty comments. Especially from the lottery gamblers. I should just wear a sign with the Gamblers Anonymous phone number on it. Maybe they'd get the hint and stay away.

Part 2 of my shitty weekend is tomorrow....

Dear Customer,

To the pimply faced teenager trying to buy cigarettes,

A birth certificate is not proof that you are old enough to smoke. Giving me the middle finger and calling me a 'loser cashier' also does not prove you are old enough to smoke.

Furthermore, peeling away in your car and stopping by the front window to moon me just proves to me that you are not old enough to smoke. However, you ARE old enough to buy a razor so you can shave the hair growing on your ass.

Sorry you won't get to enjoy your Black and Mild cigars this weekend.

All my love,

Cashier

Damn, Girl...

A long time ago, when I was a hot young cashier, an incident happened that I will forever remember.

Back when we had a little store, the cashier was enclosed in what we called 'the cage'. This was a tiny little office that we stood in with a window that opened so that we could deal with customers.

Well one day I was standing right outside of the office and this guy comes up to me. He looks me up and down (dramatically, I might add) and tells me:

"Damn girl, you got some fine lookin' toes!"

I said nothing, because this was in the early days when I wasn't the sarcastic, mean cashier I am now.

So he kept licking his lips and staring down at my feet, which, by the way, did not look 'fine' at all. I hadn't painted my toenails in weeks, so there was chipped toenail paint, and they needed to be cut badly. I could have sliced his achilles tendon with my big toenail. I probably should have.

So after two very awkward minutes of him staring at my toes and making groaning noises, I wised up and went back into the cage so he couldn't look at my delicious toes anymore.

This was probably the first time I ever had to deal with a pervert and since I was so innocent at the time, I didn't notice.

Was I flattered? Maybe my toes were, but not me.

Cry Me a River

Why must people piss me off so early in the morning?

This customer came in today, he's a regular, and this time he was drunk.

It's hit or miss with him. Sometimes he comes in drunk, other times he's fine. But when he's drunk, he likes to serenade us at the register.

He'll bust out in song and ask us if we take requests.

This customer is about 45 years old or so, and on one of his drunken mornings, asked my 80 year old co-worker for her phone number. She's innocent and didn't think anything of it, just figured he needed someone to talk to.

Well he did call her, and asked if she wanted to go out on a date! This guy is married with 3 kids, and tells us all the time about how his wife hates that he drinks and makes him sleep in the basement. Why she doesn't get rid of his drunk cheating ass, we will never know.

So anyways, he comes in today and makes a big deal about how I never say hi to him. It's 6 in the morning, I had a difficult time getting my ass out of bed, and I'm not in the mood for some shithead to harass me.

So I ignore him and he just comes closer. I tell him to step away from me so he starts yelling louder about how I won't talk to him, but at least he left after that.

I wasn't sure if he had been drunk or not, but my coworker said he reeked of stale alcohol. Maybe next time I'll just call the cops on him. Then his wife can let him sleep in jail for awhile.

What Is So Freaking Funny?

We get people laughing at the stupidest things.

A prime example is this: Many customers will laugh when their total purchase ends in 69 cents.

Why? Why do people do this??

And it's not like it's teenagers or anything. It's always GROWN MEN that chuckle to themselves.

When they do this all I can do is stare at them with my 'You're an idiot' look. Do they not get enough attention from their wives or girlfriends at home that something like this actually amuses them?

The worst is when they actually say something about it. "Oh heh heh heh. 69. Do you see that?"

"Yeah, asshole, I see. Just pay me and get out."

Here's another piece of advice. If your total ends in 69, don't comment on it to the cashier. Just hold your laughter in as best as you can (because it is SO funny), and wait until you are outside before you burst out laughing.

No It Wasn't A Rough Night

I get up really early for work...usually around 5am. So naturally, I'm going to go into work sleepy.

I don't know why customers feel the need to ask me 'Rough night?' when they see me in the morning.

Yes, I know I look like crap. I feel like crap. And here I am ringing up your shitty lottery purchase at 6am because you couldn't fucking wait til the sun came up and you're asking me if I stayed out all night which is why I look like garbage.

No, I didn't stay out all night, I'M JUST TIRED.

I wish I was one of those people in the movies that looked all perfect when they woke up every morning, but I'm not.

Most days I stumble into work because 6am is just too early to be up sometimes.

The worst is when I think I actually look presentable and wide awake at work, and STILL have someone ask me 'Rough night?'! No, you asshole, but thanks for telling me I look like shit. Have a nice day!

Dear Customer....

Dear Customer,

Please don't bring a doughnut up to the register with a bite taken out of it and ask if you can have it half price because it's half eaten.

It wasn't funny the first 100 times I heard it from people, it's still not funny today.

Sincerely Up Yours,

Cashier

Umm, You Left Your Coffee...Oh, Nevermind

I don't know why, but I find it hilarious when people pull away with their coffee or beverages on the top of their car.

For some reason it makes me laugh, even if I've been having a shitty day.

The best one yet was where this guy had gotten 4 cups of coffee, put them in a drink carrier tray and set it on top of his car. He was on his cell phone, of course, so he forgot about them when getting into his car.

I didn't notice it until he was already in his car, but by then it was too late. I tried knocking on our window, even though he never would have been able to hear it. At least I made an effort before I laughed, right?

So I got to watch as the whole tray actually made it down the street still on the top of his car. The downfall was when he went to go make a left turn onto another street. That's when his coffee tray slid off the rooftop and splattered all over the ground.

Ahh, it's the little things that amuse me these days.

The Doughnut Police See All

Today I watched on camera as a customer took a doughnut, hid around the corner and proceeded to scarf it down. It wasn't even a good kind, it was a jelly doughnut.

At first I figured this guy was hungry and needed some nourishment and didn't have any money, but then I saw him grab some beer to buy and that's when I decided to say something.

The customer sets the beer on the counter as I say "Anything else today, sir?"

Customer: No, that's all.

Me (peering at customer): Are you sure?

Customer (staring me down): Yes, I'm sure.

Me: ...

So I decided to ring him up for his 24 oz can of beer as well as the doughnut. Since this guy knew the exact price of the can of beer, I knew he'd notice an extra 75 cents tacked onto it. And he did.

Me: Your total is $1.84

Customer: What? That's wrong, this beer isn't that much.

Me: No, but I had to add in the doughnut you ate over there in the corner.

Customer: ...

And of course, he figured out that he had been caught, so couldn't do anything but pay for his shit and leave.

The doughnut police are watching.....

It's a Dog-gone Shame

We used to have this customer come in that would bring his dog in the store. That's fine and all, but you need to be holding onto your dog when you have it in the store, not have it roaming around jumping up trying to sniff/eat all the food.

So one day this customer came in with his dog and it was irritating me that the dog kept sniffing around and jumping all over the place, so I told him that he couldn't bring the dog in anymore; that it was trying to eat everything and I'm sure he didn't want to end up paying for stuff the dog ate. He said okay and left.

Well a few months later this guy came in again. And at the time he came in, we had another customer in with her dog, who is on a leash and well behaved. So this guy saw this woman's dog, got pissed, and asked me why she was allowed to bring her dog in if he couldn't.

First of all, no one's allowed to bring their damn dog in the store, but since I'm a nice cashier I allowed it. Second, this guy's dog was frothing at the mouth checking out the Snickers bars and other tasty delights, so I didn't want dog slobber all over the place.

Long story short, this guy got mad and said he wasn't coming back anymore because I was discriminating against his dog. Yeah, whatever.

Someone please get these people away from me!

Last Call for This Customer

Worked night shift last night. Usually it's uneventful but last night there was drama.

Had a drunk driver come in.

As soon as I saw him pull in and park sideways in the parking lot, I knew. So I told myself that if he tried to buy beer I wouldn't sell it to him. I refuse drunks all the time for beer, so it's no big deal.

So I watch as he stumbles in and almost knocks over one of our displays. He comes up to me and buys cigarettes. I take a whiff and he reeks of alcohol. So I turn to my co-worker and ask him if we should call the cops. He ends up getting on the phone with the cops while I finish ringing this guy up.

So the guy leaves, gets back in his truck and peels out of the parking lot. A few seconds later I thought I heard something being hit, but when I went out there I couldn't see anything.

Long story short, they caught the guy, but not until after he hit his neighbor's car and totaled it. Oh, and his tire also fell off during some point and he was driving without a front tire.

I guess people called in saying they saw a truck on fire...must have been the sparks flying from him not having a tire.

Looks like the guy refused a sobriety test, so we have to hand the camera footage over to the police so they can put him in jail where he belongs.

What an idiot. I hate drunk drivers. One less drunk loser off the road.

Just Say NO!

This guy came in this weekend with his little girl. The little girl had a ton of items in her hand, ranging from doughnuts to mini-muffins.

The guy held up two cups of coffee to show me that that's what he was buying. During all this, he was talking like a baby to his little girl. "Okay sweetheart, this woman's going to put all of this in a bag and ring it up for us."

So I did. I rung it up and put it all in a bag. I told him his total and he looked at me funny. Then he whispers to me, "Oh no, I just wanted the cups of coffee!"

Which means that instead of telling his kid 'No', he let her bring up AT LEAST ten items to the counter, all of which I had to put in a bag just so I could play 'pretend' too. Even as the father was telling me this, the kid was bringing up more items to the register and here he is telling her 'Okay, she's going to ring all of this up and put it to the side for us and we will be back later to pick it up' as he sets these new items on the counter.

I get that he probably didn't want his kid crying all over the store, but sometimes you just have to say no! Why do I have to then put every single item back that YOUR kid picked up because YOU couldn't tell them to put it back in the first place?

Who knows, maybe I'll understand more when I have children. But until then I think it's rude to do that to a poor cashier. Put your own shit back on the shelf.

Things I Hate: The Coffee Creamer Machine

If there's one machine I hate in the whole world, it is our coffee creamer machine.

Why?

Because we have to fill the damn thing. Multiple times a day.

Every morning I watch as people fill their cup 3/4ths of the way with half & half, and then add the remaining 1/4th full of coffee. So yes, the machine seems to empty out quickly.

What I hate is when people will interrupt me while I'm with a customer to yell out 'Your creamer is empty!'

My creamer is empty? Allow me to explain why that makes no sense.

I do not dispense half & half, milk, or french vanilla creamer from my body. While telling me that my creamer is empty, you are technically making a reference to my boobs, also called creamers. What you are really telling me is that my boobs aren't dispensing any fluids into your cup of coffee. That, is pretty gross. See why yelling this out to me makes you look stupid?

So the next time you want to inform me that the machine needs to be filled, why don't you tell me that? A simple 'Um, could you replace the coffee creamer machine? It's not working right," would do just fine. Instead of yelling at me 'You're out of creamer!!!', learn to be patient and polite, or else you can be sure I'll definitely put some mystery cream in your coffee next time.

Coming Back From Hell With Another Poop Story

Ahh, finally starting to feel better. Yesterday was rough though. I could have posted, but I didn't want to puke or crap on my keyboard, so I stayed away.

I don't think I've ever been this sick before. Some customer must have really wanted to get back at me for something!

Speaking of poop, this reminds me of a story.

We had this old man come in one time with his wife. He asked where the bathroom was, and since I felt bad because they were so old, I let them use it. Before he walked in there with his wife, he asked if we sold Immodium AD. As soon as asked for Immodium AD, my heart fell. One of those two had baaaad diarrhea.

So I pointed to the section where we kept the Immodium AD and he walked over to it and came back up and bought it. Then he started to lead his wife to the bathroom, telling us she really had to use it.

Me and my coworker couldn't do anything but hope for the best in there.

About 45 minutes later, the man comes out with his wife, and she has no pants on. Luckily her long coat covered her hoo-ha, but we could still see her pale white chicken legs. The man was also carrying a trash bag in his hands.

He came up to me and said that we needed to put another trash bag in there because his wife made a mess and he had to clean it all up and was going to throw the bag in the dumpster, along with her pants.

I thanked the man profusely for cleaning up after his wife and watched as they walked outside and he held the door for her while she got in the car.

That's a good kind of customer. Didn't leave any kind of mess at all for us to clean up. As they drove away, I made a promise to myself that I would find a husband that would one day clean up after me if I ever shit all over a public restroom.

You're Sick? Get Away From Me!

Damnit I'm sick. And I probably got it from a crappy customer. You know, most likely the TWENTY or so that sneezed in my face this past week.

I've got the runs, feel queasy and now have the chills. I freaking HATE getting the chills!

How much hand sanitizer do I need to use in order to be protected against sick people???

Maybe I should slather it all over my clothes. People will wonder why I'm wet and sticky, but who cares. It sure beats the hell out of running to the bathroom in between customers.

Yes, I went to work today. I managed to make it for three hours before I couldn't stay and had to go home. That's about 75-100 people I infected. Should I feel bad? God no. People do it to me on a daily basis.

I know I touch snot every day when sick people hand me their money. I even watched some guy sneeze into his dollar bill, slyly wipe his nose with it, and then walked up to the counter to give it to the cashier. It was a cashier I wasn't too fond of, so I never warned her. Sure enough, she got sick 2 days later. Little things I do to get my revenge....

Why I'm on the Internet I have no freaking clue. I've been restless in bed all day and on the toilet and am tired of wiping so much my butt hurts.

I guess this is payback from all the crappy customers I have....

There's a New Excuse Born Every Minute

So this kid comes in the other day to buy cigarettes.

Me: Do you have your ID? (He looked 12.)

Kid: Umm, no, I just got a new wallet.

So he opens his wallet to show me, and there's nothing inside. Nothing. Completely empty.

Kid: Your coworker knows me though.

Me: Well, she's not here to verify that, so I can't sell you cigarettes.

Luckily the kid just walked away instead of putting up a fight.

But really? You didn't have your ID and your excuse was that you just got a new wallet? Aren't you supposed to transfer your stuff from one wallet to the next once you buy a new one? He didn't even have any money in it, so I wondered how he was even going to pay for it. He'd probably have told me his money was in his old wallet and expected to get free smokes out of it.

It makes me wonder what kind of excuses people use when they go to a bar? And do these dumb excuses ever work?