You Won on the Lottery? Go Away.

We are open 24 hours. Why? I have no idea, because we mostly get the freaks and creeps in the middle of the night.

But my point is that many businesses don't open until 8 or 9 a.m.

So, why do people think they can bring a $500 winning lottery ticket in to cash at 6 in the morning?

Awhile ago, I had just started my shift. We had this guy come in that threw his lottery ticket down on the counter and demanded that we pay him the $500 that he just won.

It was 6 a.m., I was not fully awake yet, and we had tons of cranky customers in the store that just wanted to buy their coffee and get to work.

Plus, I didn't have any money in my register to cash this ticket. So I told the man that he would have to come back later and he started getting on my case that since he bought this $1 lottery ticket here, he should be able to cash it there.

That's nice and all that he won, but I couldn't have cared less. I 'politely' explained that we didn't have that kind of money that early in the morning and this was when he decided that he wanted me to call the manager and wake him up to come down and cash his ticket.

So of course I start getting irritated and told him to go somewhere else then. So he kept asking why we wouldn't cash his ticket. I finally told him that if he wanted his ticket cashed so badly, then I would call the police and they could come down and cash his ticket for him. While I'm saying this, I'm picking up the phone dialing the police. (Works every time.)

He looks at me, grabs his ticket from the counter, and flicks me off as he's walking away.

Of course this just angers me more, but it's too early in the morning for me to start swearing at him in front of customers.

Why he couldn't wait a few more hours to cash his ticket? Who knows. All I know is that if you are bringing your big winner in to cash before the sun comes up, then you'd better turn around and go sit your ass in your car for a few hours, because we aren't a bank, and we don't have that kind of money so early in the morning.

Another Crappy Kid Story

Today we had another kid come in with his mother. This kid was about 5 years old and the mother must have decided that she didn't feel like watching him in the store.

This little brat decided that he would destroy everything in his path. He knocked things off shelves, opened up packages, and broke displays.

When one of the employees confronted the mother about this, she replied with "Oh, he's just a bad kid" and continued getting her coffee.

So the employee decided that he would charge her for the bags of peanuts and candy bars that this kid opened. What did the mother do? She decided to argue about it because she didn't think she should be charged, stating again, that he's "just a bad kid".

The funny thing about this was that there were 3 people sitting outside in this mother's car, so this crappy kid didn't need to come into the store at all.

This was one of those times that I wish I had been there, because I probably would have gone all Jerry Springer on this woman.

People, our job description is CASHIER, not BABYSITTER. Watch your kid when they are in a store with you. If they break shit, then YOU have to pay for it. And people wonder why prices are so high. It's because we have to make up for it when you get kids destroying products!

Oh, Allow Me to Pick Up Your Trash

I was ringing at the register today when a woman came in with her little daughter. The kid was probably about 3 or 4 years old and was eating one of those mini muffins.

The woman gets her cigarettes, and starts gathering her stuff to go. Meanwhile, I'm watching the kid, who is extremely adorable, eat her mini muffin.

So then, the kid drops the mini muffin on the floor, onto our carpet. The kid reaches down to pick it up and the mom goes, "Oh, that's trash now, don't eat it."

I figured she would reach down to pick up the mini muffin that her kid had just dropped. But no. She picks up her kid and walks out the door, leaving the crushed mini muffin that she had just stepped on, crumbled all over the carpet.

The One-Armed Bandit

Today we had a thief in the store. But this wasn't a normal thief. This thief caught me off guard because he only had one arm.

I was doing my usual thing (nothing) and just happened to glance at our security screen that is permanently focused on the Pop Tarts (since that is the area where most of our theft occurs) and I see someone stuffing something into their pocket.

I run back there and catch this backwards hat-wearing punk stealing. I ask him what he's doing and he quickly turns towards me and this is when I see that his pocket is full of energy bars and that he only has one arm.

My mind computes that I need to ask him everything in the singular tense.

"What's in your pocket?" as opposed to 'pockets'. And "Put your hands where I can see them" had to be changed to 'Put your hand where I can see it."

He had a scowl on his face the whole time and throwing out the F-bomb a few times. Naturally he denied stealing anything even though I could see Peanut Butter Power Bars pouring out of his pocket.

I finally told him that if he returned everything I wouldn't call the cops. He did, and I didn't call them. How would they be able to cuff him?

That's Crack-tacular

Well it was another wonderful weekend as usual working at the store.

This time I was stocking products onto the shelves. And one thing I've noticed when stocking is that no matter where I am in the store, someone will always decide that they have to look at the exact product that I'm trying to stock.

It's always the same; they will be walking past me but then see me there and stop. They will peer over my shoulder to see what I'm doing and continue to stand close enough that I can feel their breath on my neck. They will continue to stand there until I'm forced to say 'Oh, did you need me to move so you can look at this product?' and they'll say 'Oh no, you're fine.' and continue to stand behind me.

So I've learned that the best way to stop people from doing this to me is to make sure my butt crack is showing.

I will purposely wear low-riding jeans so that every time I bend down, my crack will be showing. If you don't think this works, trust me, it does.

No normal person wants to see another person's crack. I, personally, don't enjoy showing my crack, but it sure does keep people away from me.

If you work in retail, try it sometime. Or if you are a customer and notice an employee's crack, that is code to stay far away from that person. They are just trying to do their job.

Leave Me Your Wallet

Today I was working at the register, and the pump sound went off which means that someone wanted to pump gas outside. We don't turn the pump on for anyone, the pumps are always pay first unless you are a regular and we recognize you.

So I look outside, and this guy keeps staring in at me but I have no idea who he is. Because I am a wonderful cashier and generally nice person, I decided to turn the pump on for him. But I still wrote down his license plate, just in case.

So this guy finishes pumping and comes in to pay.

Customer: Um, I don't have any money to pay for the gas.

Me: Then why'd you pump it?

Customer: Because I grabbed the wrong card and didn't realize it til now! (he said this yelling at me).

Since he had his wallet in his hand, I told him to leave his wallet while he went to go get money. He did.

Now, just so you know, if you get an attitude with me for no reason, I will look through your wallet. Which is just what I did.

I would never take anything from someone's wallet. But the reason I do look through them is:

1. To see if there's anything interesting in there to look at.

2. If you knew that I was looking through your wallet, it would probably piss you off even more.

This guy didn't have anything fun to look at in his wallet. After about ten minutes he came back in and paid for his gas. He never suspected that my dirty hands were all over it.

Maybe next time he'll remember to pay for his gas the first time and not give me an attitude about something that was his fault in the first place.

Things I Hate: Heavy Breathers

One of the many things I hate is customers that are heavy breathers. You know the type: they come up to the counter to buy their cigarettes and are huffing and puffing so bad that you can smell what they had for dinner two nights ago.

The other day I had this guy come up to my register. I knew he was a hardcore smoker because he bought 5 packs of non-filtered cigarettes. Anyways, he's at the counter, grabbing onto it tightly, and breathing heavily in my direction.

No, he wasn't trying to make a pass at me, I think he was trying to stay alive.

So I tried to dodge his puffs of air, but I swear they were like missiles that followed me around. Soon I gave up and just let him continue to breathe on me because really, there was nowhere I could go.

I look around and noticed that he was breathing so hard that papers were flying everywhere and my hair was flowing in the breath wind just like a supermodel.

Luckily this guy didn't have stinky breath like most of the heavy breathers do. But he did stay up there so long trying not to die that I felt like I had windburn on my face after he left.

Please, try not to breathe so hard when you are at the register. It's not fair to us cashiers.

Which Way is the Mall?

Because we're a gas station, people come in asking for directions all the time.

Since I pretty much know everywhere in the city, this isn't a problem.

However, when someone asks me for directions and there happens to be a male customer in the store, I've learned to just be quiet.

Men seem to want to prove their manliness all the time by cutting me off while I'm in the process of giving directions.

I guess they think that since I'm a girl, I don't know what I'm talking about.

Today a customer came in wanting directions to the mall. The simple answer I give is: "Go up this way three lights and make a right."

I've never had a problem or any complaints with these directions.

But no, the 3 male customers standing behind the person asking for directions all cut me off and started talking at once and each was pointing in a different direction on how to get to the mall.

It's even funnier when I know the men are giving the poor customers the wrong directions.

This stuff used to piss me off, but it happens so much that I just keep my mouth quiet and let the man customers be all manly. This also happens when I work with a male co-worker. Customers will automatically come in and go right to the guy instead of asking me for directions.

In those cases I hope the customer gets lost. :-D

You're Signing With What?

I come to you today as your friendly neighborhood cashier.

I bring you a warning.

You know those pens that are sitting on the counter for you to sign your credit card with? Yeah, you don't really want to touch those.

My advice? Bring your own pen to sign credit card slips with.

You have no idea what people have on their hands right before they touch that pen. The pen is easily handled over 500 times per day by people that have just sneezed, wiped their nose on their hand, picked their nose, coughed, and anything else that you can imagine.

I even saw a customer that wasn't paying attention actually put the pen in her mouth while she was waiting for the credit card slip to print out. She put it in her mouth and started biting down on the tip of the pen.

I was too mortified to tell her what she was doing. It was like one of those mirages, where I wasn't sure what I was seeing.

I think that common illnesses can easily be wiped out if people did not use the public pen. Think about it. You might be signing your credit card slip with a pen that was just touched by a person that just picked their nose and needed a place to transfer the booger to.

Or a guy that had his hands down his pants scratching his balls. He might have even left a pube on the pen.

So remember, bring a pen or sign at your own risk.

Free Beer? Yeah Right!

No, you cannot have another case of beer for free if you drop yours on the ground outside.

The other day I had some customer argue with me for a half hour because he wanted to get another case of beer for free - all because he dropped his last one on the ground outside. And that's somehow our fault.

I saw the whole thing happen too. He bought the beer, a 24 bottle case of beer, and on his way out was carrying it with one hand. As soon as he got outside and headed for his car, I slowly saw it teetering in his arms and then it just fell. Boom. Crashed all over the place with glass everywhere.

He looked around to see if anyone saw; of course people did because we had a full parking lot. And then he marched right back in demanding he get another case of beer.

Because I couldn't tell him to f*** off, I politely explained that it wasn't our fault and once you leave the store it becomes your responsibility. Well he didn't like this answer and went on about how he was going to call the owner and get me fired.

Please do!

Anyways, he ended up stomping out of the store with no beer in his hands and he also left us glass all over the parking lot to clean up.

Please - carry your beer in both hands. That stuff is precious!

Would You Like a Bag?

I hate asking customers if they want their stuff in a bag.

I don't mind the ones that actually NEED a bag, but the ones that buy a 25 cent granola bar? What the hell do you need a bag for?

And then there's the ones that aren't even paying attention:

Me (after ringing up their purchase): Would you like a bag?

Customer (fucking around on their cell phone): Yeah, sure.

Me: *gets a plastic bag to bag their stuff and starts putting it in the bag*

Customer: *looks up* Oh, no, I don't need a bag.

Me: ...

I'd just like to say, THANK YOU for making me bend down and grab a bag when you didn't want one in the first place. My bones are old, they creak and shiver and my knees are weak from too many years of stocking.

So when you ask me for a bag and don't want one, here's what I will do: Absolutely nothing at the moment.

But I will, however, wait until you come in next time. Because, yes, I will remember you.

I will wait until the day when you DO need a bag. And when you do, I will then take my tongue and slime-ily lick my fingers so that I can get a good hold on your bag. And I will keep doing this until you look up and notice.

You will have no choice but to notice that my spit will now be on your bag; the bag that you didn't want months ago.

So in conclusion: Pay attention when I ask you if you want a bag.

Customers Afraid of the Po-Po

Last week sometime, a few customers came in asking me what all those cars were doing outside. They said there were 4 or 5 cars in our parking lot, near the street and about 10 guys standing around.

Since I'm just a cashier and don't pay attention to anything outside (or inside for that matter), I didn't know.

But I became curious after more and more people wondered what was going on outside. Finally I figured it out by the FBI jackets the guys were wearing.

I figured the FBI was using our parking lot as a congregation site before they went and busted some poor sap.

While this whole scene seemed pretty boring to me, what DID peak my interest was the customers that noticed the FBI standing outside in the parking lot.

I watched as customers got out of their car, and openly stared at the FBI while slowly walking into our store. Then once inside our store, their eyes were fixed on them from inside the whole time, even while I was ringing them up.

Many people didn't notice at all, because they were tired and sleepy and on their way to work.

But the ones that made me laugh my ass off were the ones that pulled into our parking lot, got out of their cars to walk inside, noticed the FBI there and jumped right back into their cars and sped away.

I wonder what those customers are guilty of!

Night Shift Woes

Worked night shift last night. Must have been a full-moon again, I had all the drunks and crack smokers in.

And, last night was the night of people sneezing into their hands and then handing me their money with it. Please, use your shirt to sneeze into!! I don't want your booger germs!

I did have one guy come in trying to 'talk me down' on the price of energy drinks. He wanted me to give him a deal because it was nighttime. Yeah right, we don't haggle on beverages here.

Other than that, there wasn't really any drama. I guess most of the freaks need a night off too?

It was kind of lonely without them.

Off to get some sleep.

Umm No. We Are Not Hiring

Sometimes we put up an "Accepting Applications" sign on our door. This doesn't necessarily mean we are hiring at the moment, it just means we are expecting someone to leave and want to have the hours covered if we need to.

Now, the normal people will fill out an application and leave it for the manager.

The annoying people will constantly call a few times a day to check if the manager has looked at their application.

The weirdos? Well, they'll just come in smelling like marijuana and irritate the hell out of me.

A few weeks ago this guy comes in and wants to talk to the manager. Normally that's me, but only when I choose to be the manager. That day I didn't feel like dealing with this guy, so I told him the manager was busy.

"Well, who's the manager?"

"I said he's busy."

"Okay, then I'll just wait," this guy says as his hands are shaking and he's acting all jumpy.

"Well, what did you need to see the manager for?"

"I want to give him this application. I really need a job, BAD." What, for your pot addiction?

So I tell him I'll take his application and he reluctantly hands it to me. He still says he's going to wait around for the manager. I look outside at the car he drove in with, and inside is his friend doing what else, but smoking a joint.

Now I'm annoyed because this idiot won't go away. He's standing at my register bouncing around, waiting for a manager that honestly, will never come.

I tell him this time that the manager is in a meeting and might be awhile.

"I don't care, I really need a job. I'll wait all day. I need a job."

"Well, you aren't going to get it by standing around here annoying me."

He looks at me. "Well I wouldn't have to answer to you, so f*** off."

Ahh yes, this one's a charmer. He has successfully pissed me off. Little does he know that he WOULD have to answer to me.

So I give him a look of evil and tell him that he isn't going to get any kind of job by swearing at me, and to get the f*** out of the store.

I don't know what drugs that little shithead was on, but there was no way he was going to work here just so he could rob us blind. Or do drug deals outside. Which we've had happen too.

I wonder if the asshole did end up getting a job somewhere. Hopefully not in retail. Hopefully not anywhere.

Little Things I Hate: Slow Talkers

"Can you give me a pack of Marlboro?"

"Sure." I go and get his Marlboro's and come back.

"Um, lights."

Okay, he didn't say lights, but whatever. I go get his Marlboro Lights and come back.

"Umm, 100's."

I stop and stare at him. "So you want Marlboro Light 100's? Anything else before I walk back over there? Because whatever I grab, is what I'm bringing back and that's what you're going to buy. I'm not walking back again."

I can't stand when people won't tell me the full name of what they are going to buy BEFORE they watch me go and grab the wrong thing.

I'm a fast worker. You tell me what kind of cigarettes you want and I run to grab them. Only takes me a second. So don't do this:

"I need a pack of Marlborrrrooooo (here's where I'm walking to the Marlboro's) Liiiiighhhhtts (Putting my hand on a pack of Lights) umm...100'sssssssssssss (Moving my hand up to the 100's) ummm,....Box....

At this point I've tried grabbing your cigarettes 5,000 times before you decided to spit out what you want.

Quickly. Say these things quickly! I don't have time to guess what you want while you're dealing with your hangover or smoking withdrawal from the night before. Don't blink your crusty eyes at me because you just woke up at 3pm on a Wednesday.

Please...just keep the line moving!

Cashier: Keeper of the Secrets

What nobody seems to realize is that customers will come in and tell their cashiers all of the drama going on in their lives.

It's like I live a daily soap opera. People will come in, and all I have to do is say 4 magical words: "How are you today?" and it is like the floodgates opening.

I hear about women hating their husbands, men cheating on their wives, who slept with who and how little Timmy's father isn't really little Timmy's father.

I could probably make a shitload of money if people came to me when they were suspecting their significant other of cheating.

One of our customers is married; I see his wife all the time. Yet on the weekends, this guy comes in pretty much every Saturday night with a different girl on his arm. And he's drunk. So is the cheap whore he's with. I don't think he realizes that he's a regular customer though, he's just out having his good old time.

There's another customer that comes in every day and tells me about the yelling and screaming she heard from her neighbor's house, who is also a customer. When I hear about it, I will then ask the screamer basic questions, when actually I'm trying to fish for more information.

Even MORE customers come in and tell me about the fights they have with their family or spouses. It's like I'm their counselor, there to listen. Usually I just nod my head when listening to them and occasionally I'll agree with them to hear more of the story.

If the gossip that I hear is juicy enough, I will share it with my coworkers and anyone else that might enjoy it. I'd be careful what you say to your local cashier. You never know who they might be telling your dirty laundry to.

So, how are you today?

Eating Breakfast, Go Away

I start work pretty early in the morning, usually around 5am. I never eat breakfast before I go to work, that's just too early for me. Instead, I eat a few hours later, at 7am. This is my routine every day, and it does not change.

I apparently have not yet learned to go stand and hide behind a big display or something when I'm eating.

We usually get the same customers everyday at the same time, when they're on their way to work.

These customers will stop in every morning at the same time I am eating; 7am.

These same customers will then make a comment to me about me eating every single day at 7am.

Usually it's:

"Eating again? Heh heh heh." or "Everytime I come in here you're eating."

Or they will look at me and make big chomping faces as if their face is stuffed with food.

How they expect me to find that funny is beyond me. It's 7am, I'm still tired and I'm eating my breakfast. You come in at the same time every day, maybe I seem to be 'eating all the time' because I eat my breakfast at the same time everyday too!

I've even done little experiments. One day I'll be eating something healthy like an apple, and the next day I'll make sure I eat something that is totally bad for me, like a ham and cheese breakfast sandwich dripping with grease and covered in syrup. No matter what I eat, I still get the same reactions.

In conclusion, if you make a comment to me when I'm eating that I eat all the time, then you will experience the little things I do to get my revenge.

It's Cheaper Somewhere Else? Really?

Convenience: Anything that is intended to save resources (time, energy) or frustration.

One thing I hear a lot at my job is "I can get it cheaper somewhere else."

From milk to gas to candy bars, people constantly inform me that somewhere else in the world has a price that is cheaper than ours is.

And they're right.

Why?

Because we are a CONVENIENCE STORE.

We are here for the convenience of the customer. You aren't going to find any sales at our store. There are no blue light specials, or rollback prices or even manager's specials. The only discount you will get is if I happen to ring your stuff up wrong and don't notice what I did.

I'm not sure why people tell me this stuff all the time. What am I going to do about it? Usually when they tell me, I just look at them and say my basic response of "I'm sorry, I don't make the prices here, Sir," when in actuality I want to say "Okay, then get your ass out of here and go spend $10 in gas to get it cheaper somewhere else."

I hear this a lot with gallons of milk. People complain that the grocery store has it cheaper. Of course it does! But you have to spend a half hour in the checkout line to get it cheaper.

My store is here so that you can get in, get out and go home. Please don't stand there and argue prices with me. I don't care if Walmart has a box of crackers for 10 cents cheaper. I don't care if you can get a 20 pack of condoms for the same price we sell 3 packs.

By complaining, these people look cheap to every person that is waiting in line behind them. I know, because customers talk about these people after they leave. But that's fine by me, because I love gossip and drama.

I Guess Beggars Can Be Choosers

We used to have this woman that would walk up and down the street everyday. She would carry plastic bags and a few clothes. She wore very scarce clothing; one could see her ta-tas if they caught the right angle. No, she was not a hooker; we concluded that she was homeless.

She would come into our store everyday, not saying much. She was really thin and just looked sad. I felt bad for her every time she came in because it looked like she walked everywhere, her shoes were so worn.

When she did buy something, it was usually a 25 cent piece of gum or a piece of string cheese. So, one day when she came in, I asked her if she wanted one of the hot dogs on the roller grill and that I'd buy her one. Her face lit up in delight; it was as if that was the most nutritious meal she was going to get all week. She scarfed down that hot dog faster than someone driving off without paying for gas.

So this continued on. She would come in every day and I would buy her a hot dog. I didn't mind, she looked like she needed something to eat. After her hot dog she would gather all of her stuff and shuffle away down the street.

One day she came in and I asked her if she wanted a hot dog. She said no, that she'd rather have a piece of chocolate for free instead of a hot dog. I was shocked that she asked that, so I said go ahead.

After she left, I conferred with my co-workers and we all decided that the situation was weird. If you look like you're starving, why would you refuse something to eat and ask for candy instead?

So after that, I was prepared the next time. She comes in the next day and I asked her the usual. She asked me again if she could have chocolate. So this time I told her no, that if she didn't want the hot dog then she'd have to pay for anything else she wanted.

So what does she do?

This woman proceeds to pull out a wad of bills from her scruffy pants pocket, licks her finger and starts thumbing through them looking for a $1 bill!

She buys a candy bar (Mr. Goodbar) and leaves the store.

After I pick my mouth up off the floor, I run to tell everyone what just happened. So from then on I did a little detective work.

Asking around, I found out that she isn't homeless, and lives in a house up the street with her significant other. Geez, is this her daytime job or something? Pretending to be homeless? I asked her one time where she lives and she told me she didn't have a home. And then looked up at me with puppy dog eyes. LIAR!

So from then on, anytime she came in looking for a handout, we all ignored her. After awhile she started to come in less and less, until we didn't see her anymore. But I still see her around, and I swear I saw her get off the bus the other day in what looked like an expensive fur coat.

Horny Customers and Ice Cream Coolers

One day I was at the counter. It was early afternoon and I was bored out of my mind.

A man and woman came in. He was in his early 20's and she was probably over 40 years old.

They started walking around the store normally, looking for things to buy.

I guess I must have daydreamed, because the next thing I noticed, they had almost reached the counter but stopped at the ice cream freezer.

This is where I noticed that he started to look at me, bending this woman over the counter and telling me that he was going to 'put his meat in her tonight'. And then he started gyrating his hips.

I immediately looked around to see if anyone else could have possibly been seeing this as well, but of course, no one was around.

I don't know if they were high or drunk, but this guy kept going on and on telling me that they were going to 'do it' tonight and that he was going to 'get some'.

Normally in situations like this, I would open my mouth and tell him to get the f*** out of my store, but I was so in shock and wanted to see what he was going to do next.

What was the woman doing, you ask? Well, she was giggling the whole time like a little schoolgirl. She also had on a short-short mini-skirt that she shouldn't have been wearing, and a tank top.

It is my luck that all the planets would align at the exact moment in order to leave me and these people alone in the store and not have one customer or employee around to witness this.

So I kept watching as he would take her around to various coolers and pretend to hump her. The last straw was when they headed over to the fishing bait cooler and he started gyrating on her over there. I mean, come on, the worms in that cooler don't need to see that.

So I walked over and told them that he had to have fun with his meat somewhere else. They looked at me and laughed, and then left the store. I guess he was just waiting for a reaction from me the whole time.

People are freaking weird.

Why Binoculars are my Best Friend

There are many things I try not to look at in the store. Things that are disgusting, nasty and smelly. That's why we keep a pair of binoculars near the register; so I can still look if I wanted to, but stay far away at the same time.

I use the binoculars for almost everything. The main reason is to get license plates. If I turn the gas pump on for you before you paid for your gas, I'm going to be writing your license plate down in case you drive away.

The next reason I use binoculars is to look at suspicious substances that customers tell me about. Most of the time customers will run in to tell me that there is something 'strange' by the pump. They won't necessarily say what it is, probably because they don't want to believe it is what they think it is. So, this is where the binoculars come in handy. That way I can stare from afar to confirm that it is, indeed, a pile of puke or poop laying next to the gas pump and directly next to the garbage can.

The next reason I use the binoculars is to stare across the street. We have a gas station located across the street from us, so I will often use the binoculars to see if any of our regular customers are there. Traitors.

Without the binoculars I think I would go crazy. Either that or faint/pass out from things I have to look at up close.