Tis the Season

We had an incident last night but sadly I wasn't there. I did, however, see the whole thing on camera.

One of our regulars, I've talked about him here, came in drunk off his ass last night. The first inkling that the night shift girl had that he was drunk was when he ran over the curb TWICE trying to get into our parking lot.

The next was that he parked next to a pump that was clearly out of order (orange cones and bags covering it) and wanted to get gas there.

After being told he couldn't use that pump, he got back into his car and peeled around the pumps until he stopped at another one. That's when he decided to get out of his car, walk over to the broken pump and start kicking it. It was like he was punishing it for being out of order.

At this point the night shift girl called the cops. After he got done kicking the pump, he stumbled back into the store and tried to get some coffee. He ended up spilling it all over himself. By this time the cops had shown up, but they discreetly parked across the street in an empty parking lot so that they could catch him as soon as he left our parking lot.

Well, it took him awhile to leave our parking lot because he kept backing out and hitting things like our potted plants and trash cans. As soon as he left our parking lot, the cops got him.

Good.

I NEVER feel bad when drunk drivers get caught. Even if they are regular customers. Plus this guy always pisses me off cause he's a nutcase about the doughnuts he gets for his church.

I wish the night shift girl would have sold him his daily doughnuts before she called the cops on him, though. Now we're out 2 dozen doughnuts because he's probably locked up in jail.

But, at least that's another drunk off the road. Merry Christmas to him.

Tapper Drama

There's a regular customer that is really starting to creep me out.

I've talked about him before, we call him the Tapper.

A few months ago the Tapper's wife died. I didn't really feel bad for him because all he would do was bitch about his wife whenever he came in. After his wife died, he kept coming in and crying to us about it. I think he came in just to get sympathy about it.

Anyways, I had told him I felt bad for him and said I was sorry for his loss. Well apparently he took this as me having some type of interest in him. Ever since then, I've avoided him and now when he comes in he searches around the store for me.

If I happen to be near the deli counter making sandwiches, he will stand over there pretending to look at something. He never goes near the deli unless I'm there.

If I happen to be filling the cooler he will go stand over by the cooler doors and show interest in the gallons of milk for awhile.

This was a guy that used to get his stuff and leave...once his tapping OCD was all finished. Now he lingers.

The one thing he does now that really pisses me off is this: When I see him get out of his car, he will walk over to my car and look inside. He does this every.single.time.

It creeps me out. I want to say something to him, but I don't want to talk to him. I'm tempted to leave a note in my car window that says "Stop looking in my fucking car, you tapping piece of shit."

But I won't. My dad would get pissed and yell at me. I know this because I had written out this exact thing on a big piece of cardboard and was going to put it out there until my dad saw it and ripped it up.

I'm sure the Tapper is harmless, but it still gives me that eerie feeling. I try to avoid ringing him up anymore. You never know what he'll take the wrong way.

Me: Your total is $3.64.

Tapper: omg she loves me!!

So for now I will wait and see what happens, but if I see him anywhere near me OUTSIDE of work, I'm going to assume that he has now moved to creepy stalker status.

Returning the Cancer Sticks

A regular customer came in the other day and wanted to return three packs of cigarettes.

"I'm trying to help my wife quit smoking and she went out and bought these here last night, so I'd like to return them," he told us.

Normally we don't return cigarettes because we can't tell where the hell someone bought them and how old they are, but he was a regular customer so we said sure.

My sister walked up to the front counter with the cigarettes to do the return. She scanned the cigarettes into the register and they didn't scan. Since he claimed his wife bought them here, that was strange that they weren't scanning.

Upon closer inspection of these Marlboro Lights cigarettes, she noticed that they had a picture on them displaying some kind of warning.

I had heard that they were going to start putting out cigarettes with warning pictures on them showing what smoking can do to you, but I thought they had outlawed that for the time being.

Anyways, they kind of looked like this:



So my sister turns to him and asks, "Where did you get these?" She had noticed that on the side of the pack it said "Not for sale." I have no idea what that means, since we've never seen that before on a pack of smokes.

"Here. My wife bought them last night," he said, starting to get agitated. The once friendly face was now becoming mean and ugly.

"No she didn't," my sister said. "They don't sell these kind of cigarettes around here."

"So I can't return them?" he said, his face getting beat red.

"No, if you didn't buy them here, you can't return them here."

"Fuck this store. I'm not coming here anymore," he said and grabbed the cigarettes off the counter as he stormed out the door.

What pisses me off about this is that this customer comes in multiple times a day and is trying to scam us. When I did a Google search on these types of cigarettes with the scary packaging, it looked like these are only sold in other countries right now.

Just because you are a regular customer doesn't mean we will return whatever you want us to return. Go back to Singapore or wherever you got these things and get your money back there. Or better yet, people are always trying to buy single cigarettes right outside of our front door, so just stand out there for awhile and sell them that way.

Cashier's Thoughts

I don't know about anyone else that works in retail, but sometimes I wonder how many murderers I ring up in a day.

Seriously, how would I know if some guy just killed his wife and came in to buy cigarettes from me?

I see at least 500 people a day, there's bound to be a murderer somewhere in there, right?

And I don't mean the crazies, like this guy:



or this guy:



I'm talking about the strange ones...the ones that don't look you in the eye, the ones that are very quiet...the ones that just buy their shit and get the hell out. Those are the ones that I watch out for. We have a few of those types in the store.

I'm expecting one of them to come in one day covered in blood and wanting a pack of Lucky Strikes, breathing heavily from the adrenaline rush they got from stabbing someone 71 times.

If that ever happens, then I'm out of there for good.

I can feel something strange is going to happen soon. Is there a full moon coming? I'd better put some foil on to protect myself like that guy above. Maybe he has the right idea.

Torani Giveaway WINNERS

Okay, I used random.org to pick out two winners and those are...

Maria @ NailsMadeSimple.com

and

Katie.

Please email me at admin (at) confessionsofacashier.com and let me know your address so I can send you the coupon. If I don't hear from you within 48 hours, then you're shit out of luck. I'll just go to the next person in line.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! And remember, if you happen to shop at your local gas station or convenience store on Thanksgiving, don't tell the cashier how much it must suck to be working that day. Instead, buy them a lottery ticket. Or better yet, THANK THEM for being open and working that day.

Torani Flavored Syrups + GIVEAWAY

I received these the other day to try out. What are they? Thanks for asking! They are Torani flavored syrups to put in your coffee that are supposed to liven it up.

I don't drink coffee, but I decided to give the peppermint flavor a shot. I love the smell of coffee, but it's always tasted pretty bland to me and I don't like adding any milk or sugar to things just to get them to taste better. Tea, on the other hand, makes me get out of bed every morning. I drink it plain and absolutely love it.

Anyways, the box that these came in also came with a recipe book for things you could make with the different flavors of syrup from Torani.

I immediately went to the "Cocktails" tab and started looking through the recipes for alcoholic drinks. Dealing with customers every day has turned me into quite the alcohol connoisseur. They have a recipe called a Peanut Brittle Caramella that looks good but I didn't get that flavor of syrup in the package so I couldn't make it. Not until I buy the right syrup for it. Hmm...clever marketing tactic, Torani.

So I decided to get a cup of coffee at the store and throw a splash of the Peppermint flavor into it. Imagine my surprise when regular customers stood there and watched me do this and all because they had never seen me drink a cup of coffee before. I make it known that I am an avid tea drinker. And yes, when I admit that I'm a tea drinker, I get a lot of teabagging jokes thrown my way.

I'm not going to bore you with exact descriptions of how my taste buds bursted at the seams while reacting to coffee + peppermint flavored syrup, but I am going to say that it was actually quite good. I could taste the peppermint flavor and it made the coffee taste sweet.

I have discovered since that these flavored syrups can go in just about any drink. One that I will try next is called a Candy Cane Steamer.

But here's the good part! I've been given some coupons for FREE bottles of this stuff! And not the small, dinky bottles, either. These coupons are good for the BIG ones! This is good stuff here people!

To enter, just leave a comment below letting me know if you've ever tried this stuff before.

Two lucky winners will each get a coupon good for a FREE bottle of Torani syrup. Yes, just a coupon. You didn't think I'd send you a bottle in the mail, did you? With the outrageous shipping prices going on these days??

This giveaway ends on November 21, 2011 and the two random winners will be announced on November 22, 2011.

This Guy Needs A Bubble Bath

We had drama at the store the other day....and as usual, I wasn't there.

This customer came in to buy cigarettes. He looked like he was on something because he was moving around really fast and waving his hands in the air while talking quickly.

He paid by credit card and when he was told to "press credit or debit" on the screen, he continued waving his hands in the air until he finally reached down and touched the correct button.

Naturally this scared my co-worker, so she came in the back to tell my dad about it.

As the customer was walking away, he was swaying and almost fell into our wine rack. As he did this, a customer, who was in the store the whole time, got on his phone and called the cops at the same time my dad got on the phone to call the cops.

By the time the police showed up the man was sitting in his car. They ended up blocking him in with their cars so he couldn't go anywhere.

He was acting loopy with them as well and they asked him what was wrong with him. He said that he had forgotten his medicine at home and needed to take it.

Since it was obvious that he was on something, they ended up searching his car. And what did they find?

A prescription bottle with BATH SALTS in it.

I don't know about any other state, but in Ohio bath salts have been banned because just like everything else, some idiot decided that they got a high from snorting it.

So the cops ended up arresting him and thanking my dad and the customer for the "good bust".

Will people ever learn?

One Slice Away From Crazy

We lost a customer's business over 20 cents. Allow me to explain...

I was working yesterday when one of our regulars came in. I don't really care for this guy, he's loud, mean and I've seen him slap his grandson across the face before when he's brought him in to buy stuff. So, not my favorite guy in the world.

But he does come in every day and buy tons of shit, so any business is good I guess. He also asks for a receipt every day. Probably to make sure we aren't overcharging him.

So yesterday my co-worker, Erin, was ringing him up and bagging all of his stuff. He had four bags full of things he bought on the counter at this point. Once Erin rings every single thing through, he then starts complaining.

"Uhh, I was charged $2.29 for this bread and the sticker on it says $1.99," he yelled.

Erin was a little scared of him so she just kind of glanced at me to take care of the problem.

I walked over and looked at the register screen. "Okay, I'll go in and fix this," I told him. I was a little irritated that he pointed this out AFTER she was through ringing everything up when the bread was the first thing she ran through. Normally for a void the cashier has to start over and ring everything back up again.

"Well are you going to give me my money back yesterday, too? Because I was overcharged for this bread yesterday just like I was today," he said, even louder. It was at this point that I remembered how much I hate loud people.

"Why didn't you tell us yesterday?" I asked.

He didn't say anything and just kept smiling. So naturally I assumed he was joking around with me. So I finish correcting the price on the bread and start to walk away so Erin can complete his transaction. By this point the store was getting busy and there were a lot of people in line.

"So are you going to give me my money back from yesterday?" he yelled over to me.

"You should have said something yesterday," I said, smiling. He was shaking his head and still smiling at me. "See you tomorrow," I told him.

"Yeah, no. I don't think so," he said, STILL smiling. "I won't be back here," he said as he grabbed his bags and started walking away.

It took me a second to compute that he wasn't really joking, even though at this point I still wasn't sure because he still had a smile on his face!

"Nope. Won't be back," he kept saying out the door.

After he left I got pissed off. If we overcharged him, why the fuck didn't he bring his receipt back to show it to me? He yells at all of us everyday if we forget to give him a receipt, so I'm assuming he checks what he's getting charged daily.

Why does he think he can just demand money back from us without any proof? We don't just hand money away whenever someone asks for it.

I'm sure he was overcharged because the bread was ringing up incorrectly, but it's not our fucking fault that the bread driver priced his products wrong.

And so now I look like the asshole that wouldn't give this guy 20 cents back, but really I was just confused by his behavior the whole time.

Is he owed his money? Sure! I'd be pissed if I was overcharged. But then again, I wouldn't go buy another loaf of bread the next day so I can 'catch' them in the act of overcharging me. And I certainly wouldn't have a fucking smile on my face while demanding my money back from the day before without a receipt.

All of us are afraid of this customer, because at some point he's yelled at all of us. I used to like him, but once I saw him slap his grandson in the store, I lost all the like I had for him.

We Never Forget...

Well, the customer that stole the propane tank from our dumpster area still hasn't come back yet.

But he will.

And when he does, we'll catch him.

People do this all the time. Especially the regular customers that owe us money.

I once had a customer not come in for 2 years because he owed us for a pack of cigarettes. And the day he came back in again was the day I got him. I even charged him the current price for cigarettes even though we still had his old receipt taped up on our windowsill. The current price was $1.50 more than what he would have paid if he had given us the money for them two years ago.

Some customers never come back though. One of our regulars, who only had one arm, would always come in and buy a can of beer. One day he asked if we could spot him the $1.07 for his beer and I said okay. He said he'd come in the next day and pay us, but it's been about 6 years now and he hasn't been back. I probably won't pursue that one...he probably moved or is in jail by now.

My point is, if you owe your gas station something, they WILL wait until you come back in. Don't think we forget about this stuff after a few years. Well, at least my store doesn't forget about things like this.

Taking Something That Isn't Yours

We have a dumpster area that is enclosed in a fence. We have the dumpster out there, but we also store other things like shelving, signs and other stuff. Sometimes we will occasionally stick things like propane tanks back there if we don't have room in our propane cage.

The other day, a customer wanted to drop off a propane tank and was going to come back later to pick it up. I think he thought he could bring a propane tank to our store and get money for it, but we don't just give money for propane tanks, so he left it there and was going to pick it up the next day or so. So we stuck it outside in our enclosed dumpster area.

Well the other night, our night shift guy was going around and emptying all the trash from the garbage cans. He left our gate back there wide open, which normally wouldn't be a problem because he's in and out of that and then when he's done he locks it back up.

Well while he was going inside to get a new garbage bag for the trash can, one of our regular customers went in the dumpster area, picked up the propane tank, stuck it in his car and left.

I swear we can't leave ANYTHING unattended around here or else some dumbass will walk away with it.

So, now we are waiting for this customer to come back in sometime this week so we can nail him. I would personally love to be the one to do it, but I am off the next two days. However, if he doesn't come in during those two days, he's all mine over the weekend.

And now we wait. Which sucks, but we have no idea what this customer's name is. All we know about him is that he's extremely annoying and is always trying to get his son a job at my store. Why, so he can have his son rob us blind? I don't think so.

I'll let you know when this dickface comes back in. I just hope I'm the one that gets to yell at him about it. I seriously live for this stuff.

Reporting the Wrong People

The other day we got a phone call from the police department and they wanted to speak to my dad, the owner.

So he gets on the phone and is told that a "concerned citizen" called the police to inform them that we are selling alcohol to drunk people.

The police didn't give many details, but asked if we sold alcohol to a guy driving a white car.

My dad looked it up on the security cameras and sure enough, a guy with a white car came into the store and bought stuff. But he wasn't drunk. And he didn't buy beer.

The guy with the white car has some kind of disease where he walks hunched over and wobbles around a lot. I'm not sure what he has, but he's a nice guy and I've helped him out before when his credit card wasn't working. He only comes in to buy a 25 cent Little Debbie snack cake and cigars. He's never bought alcohol from us. I'm actually not sure myself how he's even allowed to drive, but whatever.

So apparently this "concerned citizen" thought he was drunk and that we were selling him more alcohol because all he saw was the guy wobble outside to his car carrying a white plastic bag.

So this "concerned citizen" decided to call the police and report US, but failed to get the license plate number of this potentially drunk person he saw driving.

My dad called the police department back. He was pissed off because they had been accusing him of selling beer to a drunk person, instead of actually asking questions and finding out exactly what happened.

He told the police the situation with this guy and they ended up apologizing to him for accusing him.

Still. This pisses me off. Why did this "concerned citizen" report us to the police? I'm sure there's some law where we get in trouble for selling alcohol to a drunk person, but why didn't this concerned asshole report the "drunk guy"???

We could see this "concerned citizen" on the security tapes, but none of us recognized him and have never seen him in the store before.

Seriously, if you're going to call the police on someone, start with the DRUNK PERSON first!

Bathroom Etiquette

I've said it before and I'll say it again:

If you have to take a dump, PLEASE don't do it in a store that has a bathroom inside.

Go to a store that has their bathrooms in another building outside of the store.

Or even better, there's a cemetery behind our store. Go take a dump out there!

I can't stand it when a customer smells up the store with the massive shit they took in the bathroom.

It's hard to get my work done when I'm distracted by my dry heaving.

Plus, I don't like the dirty looks the customers give me when they think that smell came from me. It's embarrassing, dammit.

It's PAY at the Pump!

I've been working a lot of night shifts lately because our regular girl is out sick.

It's UNBELIEVABLE the amount of drunk people that come in.

This past Saturday I was working the night shift with my mom. (She didn't want me working a weekend night shift by myself, so she came to help out).

We had two older men come in wearing tuxedos, and one of them was very drunk. The drunk guy told me that his daughter had just gotten married. So obviously they were coming back from the reception. He was asking me for directions on how to get to the highway. As soon as I knew he wasn't the one driving, I tried giving him directions but he was fucking up what I was telling him because he was so drunk. I didn't really care much, I thought it was funny and not my problem on how they got home.

The two men finally left to go pump gas outside and my mother and I are laughing about how funny the whole exchange was.

All of a sudden, this big beefy customer who was also getting gas outside comes running in.

"Uhh, there's a guy urinating at the pump!" he yelled.

"Excuse me?" I said.

"Some guy is urinating at the pump out there, right by my car!" he said again.

I look outside, and sure enough there's the drunk father taking a wiz right next to the pump. I turned around to go out there and yell at him, but my mom was already ten steps ahead of me.

I followed her outside just in case I needed to lay the smackdown on somebody.

"You can't do that out here!" yelled my mom towards the drunk father and his driver.

"Do what?" the driver asked.

"Urinate! You can't urinate out here!" she said.

"I didn't!" yelled the driver.

"Oh, that was me, sorry!" slurred the drunk father as he zipped his pants up.

I couldn't help it. I was laughing my ass off at this whole scene. First, this big beefy customer is running in our store like a little girl to tell us that a customer is peeing outside. Why he couldn't have said something to the man, who knows.

Second, it was hilarious to watch my mom yell at a customer. She's usually the quietest person on the planet, which makes it even funnier.

Third, all we could think about was how we'd now have to put up yet another sign that says "It's PAY at the pump, not PEE at the pump!"

Seriously, someone get me off night shift soon.

Even Dumber Criminals of the Week

You'd think that people would learn by now not to steal from my store, but there's also dumb criminals moving into the area.

The other day I was in the back room and working on paperwork. I was sitting in front of the monitor and just happened to look up and saw on one of our cameras that a regular customer was in the store. At the exact moment I looked up, I saw him shove something down his pants.

So I went out to the registers and stood there looking at him as he walked up to the counter. He stared at me, I stared at his stomach, but couldn't notice a bulge there from whatever he had stolen.

At that exact moment, my sister came around the corner and I asked her to go look this guy up on the camera to see if he stole anything.

My co-worker was ringing him up, yet he was still staring at me and now I noticed he was hunched forward a little. I kept intently staring but still did not see anything, even though I was 100% sure that he stole something. I was hoping my co-worker would stall him to keep him in the store, but she had no idea what was going on and I didn't want to make it obvious in case I was wrong.

After a minute or so, his sale was completed and he left the store. I was literally hopping around wishing for my sister to hurry up and confirm my suspicions.

Just then, my sister came out of the back room and up to me. "It looks like he took something," she said.

I ran outside to his car as he was lighting up a cigarette. His window was down so luckily I didn't have to yell, but I would have been more than glad to.

"What did you steal?" I asked him.

He looked up at me, his eyes squinting from the sun, but didn't say a word.

"I saw you take something, now give it to me," I demanded with my hand out. Still, he said nothing and just stared at me.

"We have it on the security cameras that you took something from the back. I watched you put it down your pants. Give it to me or I'm calling the cops," I said, getting louder.

I could see him softly sigh and then he reached down into his pants. I was sure he was going to pull out his ding-dong and wave it at me, but instead he pulled out a 24 oz. cold can of Steel Reserve beer.

I ripped it out of his hands, not even thinking about whether or not a pube might have been stuck on there. "If I see you in the store I'm going to call the police. You aren't allowed in here," I said to him as I walked away. He ended up backing his car out of the parking lot and left.

Since this guy was a regular customer that came into the store multiple times a day, we decided to look up the times he usually came in. Out of the two weeks worth that we went through, we saw him steal a total of 8 times. And it was always the same way; shoving a can of beer down his pants. When did our beer become buy 1 get 1 free??

This made me so angry that I called the cops on him. Long story short, they ended up going to his house and ticketing him for it. They told us that he's like the town drunk of the city and is always getting into drunken bar fights with people. Figures.

At least that'll be one less thief in our store. But I'm sure 6 more thieves moved into the area in the time it took for me to write this.

Thief of the Week

Well, this week sure has been the week of thieves.

On Monday we had a regular customer come in. The only thing she buys when she comes in is vodka. The cheap stuff.

So she comes in and goes to grab her vodka then goes towards the back of the store to buy more stuff. We got busy, and then after awhile we noticed that the girl was no longer in the store but that no one remembers ringing her up.

So I go look back on the security tapes, and sure enough she went behind a blind spot and shoved the vodka in her purse and then left.

I thought she had walked to our store, so I got in my car to go and try to find her. Meanwhile my sister was watching the whole thing again on the security cameras.

I couldn't find her, so after 20 minutes I came back to the store. It was then that my sister had told me she'd ridden to the store on her bicycle. A thief on a bicycle. Seriously?

So there wasn't really anything we could do, but we figured she'd be back soon enough. Some days she comes in three or four times to buy the cheap vodka.

Sure enough, she was back very early the next day. This time my sister got her in line.

So my sister rings her up for the vodka she brings to the counter and charges her credit card. She had also ID'd her just so she could get the girl's information to give to the police.

After the card goes through, she has her sign the credit card slip and then takes the vodka off the counter.

"That was for the vodka you stole yesterday," my sister said to the girl.

The girl hung her head. "I'm sorry, my dad's an alcoholic," she said quietly. However, she said this while reeking of alcohol.

"Well you aren't allowed to come back in the store anymore or we are going to have you prosecuted," my sister told her.

The girl didn't say anything, walked out of the store, and sadly rode off into the sunset on her bicycle. Actually, she didn't really ride off into the sunset, she rode across the street to the gas station there and bought her vodka at their store.

We gave her information to the cops, who went and talked to her.

It's sad to see such a young woman already addicted to alcohol. Sad to see anyone become an alcoholic, actually.

An Innocent Trip to the Store

Two days ago, around midnight, my sister and I were bored and I wanted a bag of chips so we decided to go to the gas station right around the corner from me.

Once in there, my sister went to the coolers to get a drink and I went to the chips aisle. After getting the chips I wanted, I headed up to the register to pay for them. As I was walking up to the registers, I saw a mouse come crawling out of the candy, go up to the registers, run along the ledge and disappear behind the counter. Oh, and it was also carrying a big blue gumball in its mouth.

I stood there watching in shock, not sure what to do. I quickly turned around and headed back towards my sister and told her. She immediately started to bolt out of the store (as she is deathly afraid of mice and raccoons) but not before she stopped and considered the fact that I might be lying to her. So to prove I wasn't lying, she made me go tell the cashiers what I saw.

"Um, excuse me," I said to the lady at the counter. "I just saw a mouse run behind your register there."

The woman looked at me and started chuckling. "Oh, you must have seen Stewart," she said, still smiling.

"Stewart? Is that somebody's pet?" I had seriously thought for a second that they kept a pet mouse there. If so, I could safely get rid of the heebie-jeebies I was feeling. Actually, I wanted to throw my bag of chips at the cashier's face and run out of the store in case the mouse decided to run over my feet or something.

"Yeah, that's Stewart. He's been around here for awhile."

"Oh, well he had a blue gumball in his mouth," I informed her.

She started laughing again. "HEY JENNY! THIS GIRL FOUND STEWART!" she yelled.

Just then a cashier came from the back of the store carrying deli sandwiches. "You did? Where is he?" she said as she looked around.

"He ran over behind the registers," I pointed to the area.

"Oh good, maybe he'll go into the trap over there." I was hoping she'd set down the deli sandwiches, but she didn't, and started looking over at the area I had pointed to.

"He was also carrying a blue gumball in his mouth," I repeated, desperate to know why a mouse had taken a gumball.

"Oh that wasn't a gumball. Stewart likes coconut M+M's," she proudly informed me. So that explained why I had seen "Stewart" run across the candy. He was chewing through the bags to get to the M+Ms.

I was so grossed out that I bought my chips and we left. It was probably out of shock that I shoved all the chips into my mouth as soon as we got into the car and started munching on them. (At least I checked to make sure there were no mouse holes in my bag before I ate them).

I have a few problems with this:

1. They were LAUGHING about it. If we had a mouse problem in my store and a customer had seen one and told me about it, I would pretend that I had never heard of a mouse in our store and I would act shocked and/or disgusted. I would also apologize profusely and promise we would take care of it ASAP.

2. I would not name it.

3. I would put a coconut M+M in the mousetrap in order to catch the damn thing faster.

4. What if a customer bought a bag of M+Ms that happened to have mouse poop in it? They would think they were eating a chocolately M+M!

5. I would definitely not fucking name it. And if I did, I wouldn't tell customers about it.

In conclusion, I will never be back to that store because that seriously grossed me out. I mean, problems can happen with mice and other rodents, but I think it was the way they handled it with me that made me want to never go back there again. How would they like to wake up to a "Stewart" in their cereal bowl?

Picking and Choosing

We're always taking applications at our store and when we are hiring, we look over all of them and decide to call the ones that sound the best.

A word of advice. If you are putting applications in at places, make sure the voicemail on your phone is professional.

I called someone the other day to schedule an interview and I got her voicemail. Normally I would leave a message, but when I listened to her message, I decided otherwise.

Her voicemail message was of a baby crying the whole time. So instead I just hung up and won't be calling her back.

I think it's unprofessional and it just makes me think that she will call off a lot due to a crying or sick baby. That may not be the case at all, and she may be very responsible and a hard worker, but I didn't get that impression from her voicemail.

If you want a job, don't be an idiot.

That girl just ruined her chances of having the privilege of working with yours truly. Oh well, her loss.

Teenagers Dress Like Assholes

I can't believe some of the things that teenage girls are wearing out in public.

I can't believe their parents let them leave the house wearing what they wear. Although, most of them probably leave the house wearing something normal and then change into their slut-tacular clothing at a friend's house.

At the carnival, at first I didn't want to stare, but after awhile I just couldn't help it. The clothes some of these little girls were wearing was atrocious.

I swear some of them were walking around like this:




Okay, maybe not that bad, but what they had on was pretty short. I have to admit, I felt extremely old as I started to make fun of these girls to my co-worker. Although, I never would have worn something like that when I was their age.

I guess the carnival is the place to be in order for 12-year olds to get hit on by 40 year-old tattooed drunks with no teeth. Because there was a lot of that going on.

I'm honestly surprised I didn't see any of them wearing this:



Isn't that the new fashion?

Life After Hell

Well, I survived the Week of Hell, but just barely.

I've actually been sleeping for the past three days. Yes, it was that rough on me. All of us, actually. I think my sister went into a coma for three days because I didn't hear a word from her once the carnival was done.

I don't know why it's still so rough on us, though. We do have a police officer there now that handles the kids.

We pay the police officer around $25 per hour. We spent around $700 these past five days to pay the police officers.

Pretty much the only thing these kids buy during the carnival is Arizona Iced Tea, which costs 99 cents.

Of that 99 cents we make 25 cents.

Which means, if my calculations are correct, we needed to have sold 3,000 cans of Arizona Iced Tea in order to pay for the police officer in our store.

We didn't sell 3,000 cans of Arizona Iced Tea. We sold about 700.

But, it was so worth it keeping the kids standing outside while only two of the little bastards were allowed in the store at a time.

Plus, our regular customers didn't go somewhere else because this time the cop wouldn't let the kids block the sidewalks to get into the store.

I've got a little bit more recovering to do, but I'll be better soon and back to doing what I do best, which is bitching about shit.

More Carnival Crap

I love how I can just point to a suspicious-looking teen and the police officer will run over and search their pockets.

I wish I could do that everyday.

Carnival Crap

I seriously never want kids after this carnival.

As I've said before, we hire a police officer every year for teen control. Well, these kids don't like that at all, so they decide to mouth off to the cop.

Two kids came in last night (out of the 500 or so for the total night) and were looking around at the candy. Since they were taking awhile, the cop yelled over to them to hurry up and find what they wanted and get out of the store.

So the kid turns to me and says, "Do you have any Reese's Pieces?"

I walked over to the candy next to him and looked but couldn't find any. I walked into the back room and they were sitting back there for some reason. So I brought them out to him.

He looked at them. "Oh, I wanted those really big bags of them," he said.

"We don't have those."

"Oh, well is this all the ice cream you have?" he said as he moved over to the ice cream cooler.

Thoroughly annoyed, I said "Yes" and walked away. Soon after, the cop yelled at him to hurry up and leave, as there were other kids waiting outside that wanted to come into the store.

After this, the two kids left without buying anything. Of course.

So the cop came up to me after they left. "They were planning on stealing, that's why I kept an eye on them," he said.

"How do you know?" I asked. I'm usually a good judge of who's coming in to steal, as I assume all teenagers are in there to steal.

"As soon as they came in the store, I heard one ask the other if he had any money. The other kid said no, and then they started looking around at me as well as you up at the register. So the first one decided to distract you while the other tried to steal, but I was watching both of them so they never took anything. He was asking you for candy but had no money to buy any!"

And this is how it was the whole night last night. The cop would ask the kids if they had any money, and if they said no they weren't allowed in the store. This made for a semi-peaceful evening.

And of course at the end of the night, there was a line of cars in our parking lot. Those were the parents picking up the kids from their free babysitting all night!

I hate teenagers.

Countdown to Carnival

Well, the carnival from hell starts tomorrow. The carnies were setting up for it last night while I worked night shift. It was very busy, as they bought up a lot of our deli sandwiches, candy and drinks. Busy makes the time go faster, so that was good.

However, the carnies must have been fussy last night. Two of them came in and were violently yelling at each other. I honestly thought there was going to be a fistfight, and I was going to do nothing to stop it. Cashiers need entertaining, too!

I'm not positive, but I think their fight was over a girl carnie.

I thought there was a carnie code that they be nice to each other and get along?

I'll try to find out more as the week goes on.

By this time tomorrow the carnival will have started. 6pm. The hour of doom.

The first hour isn't so bad, because the parents drop the kids off at the carnival and they walk around for that first hour.

It's after that first hour that these little shits get bored and come over to our store, thoroughly pissing me off.

Let's hope this year is better, but I doubt it.

Sluts and Cigarettes

It was a dark and stormy night at the gas station. I was working night shift and not in the best of moods because I was tired and it was probably that time of the month.

Customers were in and out all night, mostly buying cigarettes and beer. I was furiously carding all the customers as they all looked too young to be smoking and drinking.

One particular ho caught my attention. She walked in wearing a workout outfit, but the top of her outfit was so tight that it hoisted her already large cleavage upward and outward. I immediately wondered how uncomfortable that must be to workout like that at the gym.

"Can I have a pack of Salem Light 100s?" she said, popping her gum loudly in my face. Part of the gum got stuck on her lip, so she used her long claw-like purple sparkled fingernails to wipe the stray piece of gum away.

"I'll need your ID," I said, as I turned around to grab her cigarettes.

"Excuse me?" she said, staring at me with her fake eyelashes. It kind of looked like one of them was about to come off and land on her cheek.

"I need your ID," I repeated.

"Are you serious?" she scoffed, still staring at me.

"Yes," I said, now getting annoyed at this attitude from her.

"I can't fucking believe this. What an idiot," she said as she turned around on her heel, marching back outside. I watched as her butt jiggled like lumpy cottage cheese and her cankles screamed with the weight she was putting on them. I could tell those things were going to give out any day now.

As she walked to her car, I saw her stick her body through the passenger side window, reaching in to get her ID. I was worried that she was going to get stuck in her window and that I'd have to call the fire department to get her wedged out from there. Luckily she backed her body out of her window and headed back inside.

She stormed up to the register and I swear the ground moved as she walked. She whipped her ID out of her wallet and slid it across the counter to me. I looked at it to verify that she was old enough. March 3, 1993. 18 years old.

"Are you kidding me?" I said as I looked up at her. "You just turned 18 years old and you're giving me a fucking problem about getting ID'd?"

"I told you I was 18!" she yelled. I noticed that some her Purely Pink lipstick was getting stuck to her crooked teeth.

"How am I supposed to know that you just turned 18? We don't have some kind of database here that lets me know when every single person on the planet is old enough to buy cigarettes," I yelled back. By this time I was mad that she was causing a scene about this and trying to make me look stupid. "You know what? Since you want to make such a big deal about it, go buy your cigarettes somewhere else. I'm not selling them to you."

"Fine, you're a rude bitch anyhow. I hope you get caught selling to minors and have to go to jail," she said as she stormed out, and I once again had to witness her jiggly behind.

Nice comeback, fuckface.

As she got in her car and peeled away, she made sure to stop her car by my window and flick me off before driving away. Why do people always do that? I don't understand? Is that like having the last word or something?

Drama on Night Shift

Worked half of a night shift last night in order to train the new night shift person.

It was unusually busy, besides our usual cigar-buying assholes. Why?

Because apparently there was a standoff a few streets over, meaning there was a guy with a gun and a hostage in his basement and police were on the scene.

This meant that everyone in the area wanted to come by and see what was going on. This also meant that they stopped in to buy snacks and drinks.

I only found out about it because so many customers were talking about it. People were popping popcorn in our microwave so that they could go sit nearby on the lawn and watch the events unfold!

I'm glad so many people found enjoyment in such a scary situation.

Actually, I would have done the exact same thing.

Luckily though, the standoff ended without incident. I'm still curious to see who this person with the gun was and if he was one of our customers. I'm guessing I know him. Many of our customers forget or refuse to take their medicine, which is what happened with this guy.

License to Drive. Or Kill. Whichever.

I hate it that customers know what kind of car I drive. When I'm not at the store I like to have my own personal time. There's nothing worse than driving in my car, hearing a beep and seeing a customer waving frantically at me just because he saw me on the road and outside of my store. I even had one customer follow me to my house (I didn't even notice I was being followed or else I wouldn't have gone home) just to see where I lived and to make small talk with me as I got out of my car.

So lately I've taken to sometimes driving my husband's car into work. This prompts many questions from customers as to where my car is.

"What's wrong with your car? Is it in the shop?"

"I didn't think you were working today. Where's your car?" and so on and so on.

The worst is when they SEE me driving my husband's car into work.

"Wow! How can you afford a MUSTANG?!? You really make that much on a cashier's salary?" which makes me want to say "Go away, fuckface" but I don't. I just smile politely and tell them it's my husband's car. After that they usually nod with understanding, which confuses me. What if it WAS my car? Are they saying I shouldn't be driving an expensive car just because I'm a cashier?

I seriously can't stand people sometimes. Totally not looking forward to working this weekend. Only 2 more weeks until the Carnival from Hell arrives.

Why People Suck: Cheating at Raffles

We like to have contests and promotions in our store because it helps bring more customers in.

This time we are going to have a raffle for a Red Bull mini scooter, which looks something like this:


Customers get a raffle ticket when they buy any 2 Red Bull products. Sounds simple, right?

Not for our customers. People that buy Monster energy drinks as well as Rockstar are getting pissed off because they don't qualify for the drawing.

Isn't the point of something like this is to have you switch over and start buying the right products for the drawing?

Now I'm getting people yelling at me because I won't give them a raffle ticket to fill out when they come up to the register with something other than Red Bull. Most of these people I've never even seen before!

I'm betting this scooter gets stolen way before the raffle ends. People seem to be frothing at the mouth to get their hands on this thing which is really only big enough for a kid.

What to Read: The Slammer

We've just started getting a weekly newspaper called The Slammer. This newspaper covers all the arrests that were made the previous week in my area.


This newspaper is funny as hell. Why? Because every week there is at least one customer in it. Whenever I see someone I know in this paper, I wait for that person to come into the store so I can laugh and ask them about it.

But sadly, everyone I've ever seen has never been in the store since being featured in this newspaper. I think having their picture posted in it scares some of them into ever venturing into public places again.

I think if my picture was in it I'd put it on a badge and wear it on my shirt every day to work. Maybe it would deter people from fucking with me since they'd know I was "doing hard time" in jail, when in all honesty I'd probably be hit on by a 500 lb. woman with tattoos on her face wanting to make me her "Snuggle Buddy".

Has anyone read this newspaper? It's hilarious to read it every week. I think I'm going to apply to write for them - this stuff is right up my alley!

Note: Check out the girl in the first full row of the picture I've posted - she's having her head held there by a pair of latex-gloved hands. And no, that's not me!

Strange Happenings at the Store

This post might be a little TMI, but I'm going to talk about it anyways.

I've probably talked about this customer before (I'm too tired from night shift to go back and look it up) but I'm going to mention him again.

There's this boy that comes into the store and I've watched him grow up over the years. He used to come in with his dad and was probably about 10 years old at the time. As the years have gone by, I've seen him change drastically right before my eyes.

Once he hit his teen years he dyed his hair black and started painting his finger nails black as well as wearing black nail polish. I thought "Oh great, another Goth kid". But I was wrong.

Shortly after that I noticed he wore tighter clothing and also started talking with a lisp. He was also swaying his hips as he walked around the store. This went on for a few years, which made him around 15 or 16 at this time. I could tell he was rebelling against whoever it was that pissed him off because every time he came into the store it's like he wanted everyone to know he was gay. It's as if he was waiting for some kind of reaction from us.

I personally don't give a shit whether he's gay or not, as long as he doesn't cause any trouble.

Anyways, one night I was working night shift and he came in with another kid. (I call them kids because 15 years old is a kid to me.)

Him and his friend practically skipped around the store chasing after each other while smiling and laughing and being in love. When they came up to the counter, it was apparent they were going to "do it" with each other that night because one of them set condoms on the counter to buy. Sadly they weren't the strangest customers I had that night.

Fast forward to the other day and this kid comes in again. It was 7am on Sunday morning. He had headphones on, tight black pants and a black leather vest with no shirt on underneath. Oh, and also a black leather cap on, too because if you're going to do the Village People look, it's got to be complete. He walked around the store for awhile dancing to whatever music he was listening to. He really started getting into it too, because the next thing I know he's doing a pirouette in the middle of the store next to the Steak-umms.

He finally comes up to the register and sets a pack of gum down on the counter. I asked him how he was doing today and he replied that he was great.

However, this is where I became confused. When he spoke to me, I noticed that he was missing his 4 front teeth. He had all of his teeth a few weeks ago.

The first thing I thought of (I swear I'm going to hell), was that he knocked his front teeth out so he could give better blow jobs.

Seriously. He had teeth the last time I saw him.

Please tell me this isn't some kind of fad. Do people do this sort of thing?

Preparing for Night Shift

Whenever I've worked night shifts in the past, the most annoying and uncomfortable part about that shift is the people that stand around and try to flirt with me.

I don't like it, and I always wish they would just leave me alone. I don't have time to listen to their lame pickup lines and I especially don't like the way they leer at me.

So in an attempt to try to deter these people, I've been trying to look as crappy as possible before I work a night shift. I figure that the more atrocious I look and smell, the more these people will be less likely to flirt with me.

When I know I have to work night shift, I will make sure I don't wash my hair for a few days so it is nice and greasy. I also never wear makeup on night shift. As for my clothing, I opt for something baggy and preferably with holes in it.

I also make sure I never wear deodorant so that I am nice and smelly. I even sometimes don't brush my teeth before work. I get rid of any nail polish as well as any jewelry I have on.

My point in doing all of this is so that nobody can find anything attractive on me whatsoever.

It still doesn't work though. These weirdos really don't care who they are flirting with, as long as they have a vagina, I guess.

It looks like I'm going to have to be more drastic. Maybe a fake scar across my forehead, or even a running supply of snot down my face. Or maybe I should get a fake beard so people will think I am a guy.

What do you think? Got any suggestions?

July 4th Drunks

It's unbelievable how many people came in drunk last night. I didn't even want to know how many of them were actually driving, which is why I made sure not to look outside after they left.

But I did make a killing last night from all the drunks that didn't want to wait around for me to give them change.

$42.51

So keep on drinking, people (but not driving)! I need a new wardrobe!

Quitting Co-Workers

Sometimes I can't stand the people I work with.

We've had this guy work for us about two years. He's around 27 years old and hasn't been very reliable over the past years. Actually, I have no idea why he still works for us because I've been dying to fire him for about a year now.

When he DOES work, he's very good. Hard worker and nice to customers. He even fills in on the night shift once a week.

Well he's burned me a few times and hasn't shown up for work where I've had to cancel my plans and stay because there's no one else to work at the last minute. Like I said, no idea why he still works for us. I think my dad feels bad for him or something.

The main reason he needs a lot of time off of work is because he's in a band. I think he plays drums or something. When he calls off work, it's usually because the band needs to practice or has a 'gig'.

It's good to have dreams and all, but sometimes you just have to grow up.

He lives with his mom, who is an enabler. She's called off for him sometimes, when he didn't even feel like calling in. She's probably one of those parents that thinks her 27 year-old son is going to make it big with his band and that it's only a matter of time. She's just as clueless as he is.

Well, because of a 'gig' with his band, he didn't show up for work this past weekend and just as I was about to fire him, he called and quit. He said that he was sorry, but that he needed to choose between work and his music and he was choosing his music.

So now I'm stuck working night shift this holiday weekend. But that's okay, I'm glad he's gone. I've wanted him out of here for a long time.

Let's hope he decides to grow up one day and realize he needs money to survive.

Somehow, I think he'll end up being that musician standing on a street corner collecting donations in a hat.

Car Washes and Kids

Most gas stations have car washes attached to them, but we don't.

Instead, we let school groups from the community have fundraiser car washes. Some of those groups have made over $400 just from washing cars in an afternoon.

Anyways, the car washes don't bother me so much because most groups hook up their hoses, wash cars and leave when they are done.

There are, however, some groups that piss me off.

I have banned the school cheerleaders from ever doing a car wash at our store because:

a) they wear next to nothing in order to get people to want car washes

b) they take up all the parking spots so our customers can't get into our store

Now, I get that they want to wear skimpy stuff in order to get customers to stop and get their car washed, but what they don't realize is that these men stare and leer at their 13 year-old bodies. It's disgusting. And while I know we have many perverts come into the store, I don't want to know that one of my regulars is a closet perv.

The cheerleaders don't know they are banned yet. As soon as they call to schedule another car wash I'm going to tell them to G-O A-W-A-Y!

The car wash last week was different though. It was for some boy scout troop and I had to actually go out and yell at them. They are also banned from having car washes as well.

It was cloudy outside so they weren't getting much business, so the kids decided to resort to begging customers for money as soon as they got to our front doors. Everytime I heard the door open all I heard was "Mister, do you got a dollar to donate to us?"

When I went out there to tell them to stop, the kids gave me an attitude. So I went to the parents running the thing and told them that if their kids wouldn't stop asking customers for money, I was going to shut off the water supply and close their car wash down.

I don't see why it has to be such a big production when there are car washes. I can't wait for it to start snowing again.

No Bag For You

It's no secret that I hate bagging people's items. I don't know why I hate it, I just do.

So when a customer comes up to my register, I always try a little trick in order to not have to bag anything.

Whenever I'm done scanning their stuff, I will always scrunch the items together as close as I can in order to make it look smaller.

The smaller it looks, the better chance they won't want a bag.

This works. It really does. The customer leaves thinking they hardly bought anything, and I end up happy I didn't have to lick my fingers to open up a plastic bag for them. It's a win-win situation.

But I still get the douchebags that want a bag for the 35 cent piece of gum they are buying. Those people will never die.

Wakey Wakey

I came in to work the other morning at 6am and there was a car parked sideways in one of the parking spots.

I asked the night shift girl what was up with that and she told me that a customer was inside the car and sleeping. He had been sleeping in there now for a few hours.

Usually when people do this they are sleeping off their drunkenness.

I decided to wait a little bit before calling the cops. Even though he was parked sideways, he was parked at the very end of the lot so there were plenty of other spots for customers.

Still, I decided to give him an hour before I got him in trouble.

About 45 minutes later, I see a face pop up inside the car. Sleeping Beauty had woken up. So I watched through the window to try and get a good look at who this guy was.

I wish I had called the cops at the start of my shift.

It was this regular customer that I can't stand. He's the one that called me a "fucking bitch" when I got mad that he spilled his coffee all over the place while talking on his cell phone and blocking my register.

Him and I don't like each other. So when I recognized it was him, I scowled at him through the window. He scowled right back, started up his car and left.

I so wish I would have gotten him in trouble. Even if he wasn't drunk I still would have liked him to wake up to the cops tapping on his window.

Teenagers and their Pants

I'm sure kids everywhere are excited that school is over for the summer, but I'm not.

This is when it now becomes free babysitting for parents.

Most of the kids around here, aged 12-16, will wander the streets having fun.

After a few hours of lounging around wherever they feel like outside, they will then come into my store.

The other morning, at 6am, we had one of those kids come in. He was probably around 14 years old.

My first thought was "Why is this kid out at six in the morning?"

My second was "What is he wearing?"

He had on three layers of clothing, and I saw them all. First was the dark blue boxers he wore. I saw them so clearly because the second layer, a pair of shorts, was hanging half off of his butt. Then the third layer, a pair of sweatpants, was hanging completely off of his butt. It looked like someone had "pantsed" him but then saw all his layers of clothing and just gave up.

He was actually walking around like this. When I saw him walk, I noticed he was doing the pee-dance, like he needed to use the bathroom, but then I realized he was standing like that in order to keep his pants from falling down.

He wandered around the store for a little bit and then left. A few minutes later another kid came in and walked up to my register.

"Can I help you?"

He handed me a wad of crumpled money. "Hey, can I have a pack of Camel Menthol?" he said as he pointed at the Virginia Slims.

"Sure," I said as I went to go get his cigarettes. "Can I see your ID?"

"I left it at h-home," he stuttered.

"Sorry, I can't sell cigarettes without an ID," I said, handing him back his wad of crumpled cash.

"Oh, it's okay, I'm sorry," he mumbled as he left.

Once he was outside he headed in the same direction that the pants kid had gone. As I watched him I saw him go 'Damn!' and shake his head, clearly disappointed that he had been unsuccessful.

But my first thought still exists: Where are their parents and why are they walking the streets trying to buy cigarettes at six in the morning??

This is not going to be a good summer, I can just tell already.

Only 1 more month until the Carnival from Hell begins this year.

Another Day, Another Scam

I know I post a lot about Western Union scams, but I do it so that people will read these stories and NOT FALL FOR THEM.

We had a deaf woman come in the other day who wanted to send $2,000 to Nigeria through Western Union.

I always know that it's a scam when it's to Nigeria, but these people are blinded by all the talk of money they will receive from these scammers.

Writing on a piece of paper, I asked her if she knew the person in Nigeria and she assured me she did. I wrote that this was probably a scam. She kept shaking her head no, insisting that she wanted me to send the $2,000.

So I did. But I added a test question to it so that the person on the other end could not pick up the money. A test question can be anything such as 'What is my favorite color?' or 'How many cats do I have?' in which the person picking up the money has to correctly be able to answer the question in order to complete the transaction. It's an extra security measure that Western Union uses.

So after I completed it and gave her the information, she came back in a few minutes later saying that the person in Nigeria never received the money and that she was supposed to re-send it. The scammers were telling her to resend another $2,000 because it didn't go through to them. And she was going to do it!

I told her to wait about an hour for it to go through and to come back. Well, she did wait an hour and then came back with a return number from Western Union in order to get her money back. She said the person in Nigeria never got it and that Western Union re-issued her the money.

First, Western Union doesn't automatically re-issue money to anyone. They make you wait hours, days, even weeks in order to get your refund. They are pretty shitty in getting anyone's money back to them.

Second, I didn't want to go through Western Union to give her the money back because then she'd turn around and send it right back to the scammers.

So I told her that we couldn't issue a refund over the weekend and that she'd have to go to come back on Monday morning.

I hope that during the rest of the weekend when her money was stuck with Western Union, she realized what a scam she was getting into.

Sometimes these people just don't want to understand or listen to what we are trying to tell them. $2,000 is a lot of freaking money. Most people around here never see that much in a year.

Western Union should just stop sending money to Nigeria. We have. Whenever someone comes in from now on and wants to make a transaction to Nigeria, we are telling them that we don't send money there anymore. Hopefully that will stop some of the scamming bullshit going on since Western Union doesn't seem to want to stop it themselves.

Product Review: Neuro-Sleep

We just got in a big display full of these Neuro-type drinks. There's Neuro-Gasm, Neuro-Sonic, Neuro-Sun, Neuro-Sleep, Neuro-Aqua, Neuro-Bliss, Neuro-Sport and Neuro-Trim.

I've decided that since I can't sleep at night without dreaming about my store that I will try the one called NeuroSleep.

However, I am a bit weary.

The salesman that came in for these was telling us about each one and how good they worked. He said that at the last store he went to, one of the employees there had tried the NeuroSleep and ended up peeing his pants. I'm not sure if that was during the day or while he was sleeping.

That must have been some pretty good stuff! He also said that many people try it and get really drowsy and are able to have a full night's sleep.

Naturally I think it's a load of bull, but whatever. It contains Melatonin, just like the Lazy Cakes, so I'm sure it will have some effect of sleepiness on me.

Let's just hope I don't piss myself in the middle of the night. I will post my update on it after I've tried it.

Has anyone tried any of these? The Neuro-Gasm sounds interesting.

Confessions of a Cashier

I'm working on a book about all the customers I've experienced over the years, which is why I haven't been posting much. I'm almost done with it and hope to get it published. Is this even something people would want to read?

I've been reading other books similar to mine, such as Waiter Rant and Retail Hell.

The books above are good, but they don't have a ton of customer stories in them like mine does.

Does anyone know of any other good books like these out there? I'm dying to read more of this stuff. I live for it!

Can I Have Change For This?

We get a lot of customers coming in wanting change for their bills. That's fine if it's a small bill.

I do, however, refuse to give people change for a $100 bill. It is then that I tell them they have to buy something if they want to break the bill.

A lot of people get mad. They are mad that I'm now making them buy something. They usually look around for about five minutes, looking for the cheapest thing in the store, which is our 35 cent gum.

They will usually then throw the gum on the counter and not say a word to me the rest of the time.

Why should we have to break it if you aren't buying something? That puts us at risk because it could be fake money.

It's not even our regular customers that do this. It's people I've never even seen before.

I've told people before that there is a bank across the street. They usually tell me that they won't shop at my store anymore if I won't give them change for their bill. Fine by me, I don't give a shit.

The gas station down the street won't even accept a $100 bill as payment, even if you owe them $60 or more. They tell you that you have to pay them in smaller bills or on a credit card.

So take note: If you ever want change for your bigger bills, plan on buying something in the store. It's rude to walk in, not buy anything and assume the cashier will give you change.

Another One Bites the Dust

Is everyone on some form of drug these days?

It's bad enough when we get customers coming in high wanting to buy Black and Milds to easily smoke their marijuana.

But employees?

In the last six months or so we've had quite a few new hires that didn't work out because it was obvious they were on something.

They show up all normal for their interviews, which is why we hire them.

But once they start, they go back to their normal drug use.

Once it becomes apparent they are high, it makes me mad that we have to pay them to rung up customers when they are out of it.

So I usually make up a reason as to why I'm sending them home early (too slow, scheduled too many people, etc.).

But I still get pissed that we wasted time training these people.

Do they think we are dumb or something that we can't SEE them moving as slow as a snail? Or when we call their name they take 30 seconds to slooooowly turn their head around?

They aren't so slick. They're the dumb ones because now they don't have a job anymore.

Pick-Up Lines

I was working this weekend and a customer came in that used to flirt with me all the time. I hadn't seen him in awhile and the last time I DID see him he was at another gas station drunk off his ass and yelling at the cashier.

Before that though, he used to come in every morning on his way to work. He would stand there and flirt with me, trying to hold my hand all the time. It was creepy and I started cringing whenever I saw him walk in. So I was actually relieved when I thought he'd moved on to another gas station.

Well, he was back this weekend. And I was working by myself at the register. Just great.

"Hey sweetie!" he said he as brought up a bottle of Gatorade to the register. "How are you?"

"Fine," I said. *cue cringing*

"I came in just to see you this morning."

"That's a good one," I said, trying to turn it into a joke.

"No, I'm serious. I came here today just to see you."

I looked at him and saw that he wasn't smiling, just staring at me. Awkward and creepy.

"Okay, well your total is $3.12," I said, trying to hurry it along.

"Yeah, I know. I came in here yesterday looking for you and bought the same thing."

Ugh, I just wanted him to get out of here. And finally he did, but not before grabbing my hand and trying to hold it.

But this incident made me think of all the funny pick-up lines we've heard over the years.

My all-time favorite is "Can I have a pack of Marlboro's and your phone number?"

It makes me laugh every time.

What's the funniest pick-up line you've ever heard?

Sick in the Spring

Being a cashier is no fun when you're sick.

I sound all nasally, so when I greet customers they ask me if I'm sick.

No, I just felt like having snot dripping down my face and sounding like Urkel today.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. :-(

I Am One Dumb Bitch

I had the biggest fuckface come in the other night when I was working night shift.

First, he was on his cell phone and when I asked if I could help him he just kept talking into his phone.

But I stayed calm.

When he finally answered me, he was pointing to our wall of cigars and telling me he wanted the 2 for 99 cents cigars.

Once again, I must point out that I don't smoke cigars and have no idea where these 2 for 99 cent cigars are, so I start looking around.

While he's still on the phone, he keeps pointing at what he wants.

"They're right in front of your face! Can't you see?"

I look at him. "They're ALL right in front of my face."

So I tell him to just come over there and take which ones he wants. But he doesn't. He keeps pointing.

"Can't you read? THEY ARE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!" he yells.

I keep looking while my blood starts boiling. I finally find them and grab two packs.

The total comes up to $2.13.

"No, you idiot, I only wanted one pack," he says, still on his phone.

So I cancel one of the packs and his total is now $1.07. He throws a dollar on the counter.

"Do you have 7 cents?" he asks me.

"Are you serious? You keep calling me names and now you're asking me for money? No, I don't have 7 cents for you."

"Well then can you wait here for a second while I go get it?" he says while staring at me. I shrug my shoulders. As soon as he turns around he puts the cell phone back up to his ear and starts calling me a dumb bitch to the person on the phone.

So I yell back to him, "Okay, I think you should take your money and leave. I'm not selling anything to you."

He turns around and walks back up to me. He grabs his dollar from the counter and then turns to walk away shouting out a smorgasbord of comments. "Yeah, I think I will go somewhere else. You are one dumb bitch. You don't know how to read. 1-2-3. Learn to count. 1 to 10. Yeah that's right, you can't say anything back to me. Yeah, that's right. You're so fucking stupid."

The dumb fuck couldn't say any of this to my face. He had to say it all as he was walking out of the store. I yelled at him to "Go fuck yourself" but I don't think he heard me through all the name calling he did.

What the fuck did I do to him? This is what I mean about how we get treated like shit by people for nothing. I can honestly say that this time I wasn't mouthy, or mean or anything until he started the name calling.

So the next night I got smart and hid all the cigars under the counter so no one could buy any of them.

Gas Pump Debate

We get a lot of people that come in, prepay for gas and then forget to pump their gas. Usually they will just get in their car and leave, totally forgetting that they just paid me for gas.

Sometimes they come back when they remember, and sometimes they don't.

If they DO come back, most of the time the gas is still sitting there prepaid on the pump and waiting to be pumped.

Sometimes, however, while that customer has forgotten they paid for gas and driven away, another car will pull up to the pump, insert their credit card and assume they are pumping gas on their card. What they are actually doing is pumping the gas that the previous person had paid for and forgot.

Simple enough, right?

When this happens, we have no idea. We don't watch every customer to make sure they fill their car up. Once you pay us inside, our job is done. It is now YOUR responsibility to pump your gas and not forget about it.

What I don't understand is that when a person forgets and we figure out that someone else pumped their gas, this person wants us to still set the pump for them even though someone already took their gas.

They say that they paid for $10, $20, whatever...and they want their gas.

It's not our fault if you forget to pump and someone else took it. At least, that's my opinion on it.

What do you think? Do you think it is the store's responsibility if a customer forgets to pump their gas and another customer pulls up and pumps it?

No ID, No Ciggies

Last night I worked night shift.

Lots of people last night didn't have their IDs on them, so they didn't get the beer or cigarettes they were hoping for.

One girl I carded told me she didn't have her ID because her fiance had it. I told her I couldn't sell her cigarettes and she was fine with that.

About an hour later an older woman came in.

"I'll take a pack of Marlboro Special Blend," she said as she pulled her money out of her purse. "You carded my daughter earlier and she didn't have her ID on her because her fiance had it."

"Oh yeah, I remember her."

The woman sharply looks up at me. "Well she's going to be 26 in July."

And I'm supposed to know that how?

"Well we card everyone that looks under 40," I said.

She huffed and shook her head.

I really don't see how any of this was my fault. Her daughter didn't have her ID, plain and simple. She shouldn't have been driving a car then, either.

I hate parents like that.

I ended up telling her that I wasn't going to get fined $1,000 for selling to underage people. She didn't say a word. Just gathered her stuff and walked out. Well fuck you too, lady.

What Should I Do With Myself?

This week sucked. Since gas has risen to $4.15 per gallon here, everyone has stopped buying gas and I don't blame them.

It's been like a ghost town around here. So much so, that I really haven't had any customers annoy me this week.

Of course the lottery customers have made their appearance. There's always the freaking lottery customers.

So I've pretty much had to pretend that I was doing some work around the store all week. It's really difficult to make it look like I'm working. It's actually more work than I usually do.

I wish someone would lower the gas prices so we can get our gas customers back. I need someone to piss me off or something! It's just not the same around here anymore.

Google Search Terms IV

It's now time for another post of Google Search Terms. For those who don't know, these are some of the keywords people search for on Google and somehow it leads them to my blog.

"when a cashier gently touches your hand while giving change flirting"

I don't know about any other cashiers, but I try to avoid touching anyone's hand when giving them change. And if the people are especially gross, I usually just drop the change into their hands instead of placing it in. This search term sounds like the beginning of a porno story. I've flirted at the store before, but I usually do that by flashing my winning smile. I don't particularly like touching people. Especially their booger-encrusted hands.

"what to say to a customer when your a cashier"

For starters, how about "Can I help you?"

"what the fuck did they do to camel lights"

I'm not sure, could you be more specific? April 23, 2011 was my two-year anniversary of quitting smoking, so while cigarettes have soared in price, I have no idea if they taste even more like shit now. Wait I take that back...Mmmm...cigarettes....*drools*

"take a penny, leave nothing"

Yeah, that's what most people do. That's why I usually swipe all the pennies and throw them in the cash register before the drunks come in and try to take them.

"should cashiers give you your change in your hand or on the counter"

I would prefer to just slap the money down on the counter, but then customers start calling me disrespectful if I don't place it carefully into their hands. Haven't they ever heard of germs before? Especially after they just sneezed into the hand they want me to put their money in??

"police let me use the bathroom"

Well that was nice of them.

"is it safe to hand my credit card over to a cashier?"

Well how else are you going to pay for your stuff? No one has cash these days!

"i smell and my coworkers hate me"

Hah! I bet this person didn't find the answer to his/her question here. My advice? It's called Febreeze. Spray yourself with it. Either that or blame the smell on a customer.

"how to reverse the effects of 5 hour energy"

Well, my guess would be to stick your finger down your throat and puke it back up. It might even taste better.

"gas cashier get shot while changing gas prices"

Customers usually yell shit at me when I'm changing gas prices, but I've never gotten shot. I'll have to be more careful now about raising those prices!

"can i gas station attendant legally ask me to take my id out of my wallet"

Yes, you dumb fuck. Stop trying to look for ways to get out of showing your ID.


Once again, I'm wondering how the hell some of these search terms found their way to my blog. And it really makes me wonder what kind of people are out there!

Why Do People Fall for These Scams???

This is how it all starts. I get these types of emails all the time (I got this one the other day and am too lazy to correct the errors in it):

Dear Friend,

For your kind attention, I am Mr.Sawdu Bello, the director of the accounts & auditing dept .at the Africana Development Bank Ouagadougou-west Africa . (A D B). I will be very glad if you do assist me to relocate the sum of ($10,500,000.00) Ten Million, five hundred thousand dollars into your personal bank account, this will be for the benefit of both of us.

This is a genuine and legitimate transaction only I cannot operate it alone without using a Foreigner as required in my banking law, therefore, I am contacting you in this manner to help me stand before my bank as the beneficiary next of kin to claim this fund into your bank account, for assisting me to actualise this better opportunity, the total sum will be shared as follows: 50% for me, 50% for you and expenses incidental occur during the transfer will be incur by both of us. The transfer is risk free on both sides hence you are going to follow my instruction till the fund transfer to your account. As a matter of fact, what I need is your maximum cooperation and to provide a valid bank account where my bank will transfer this money for the benefit of you and I. By indicating your interest on assurance of trust I will send you the full details and how this business will be executed.

Most importantly, please I will advice you to keep this business proposal as a top secret between you and me. Or delete it immediately in your email box if you are not interested in this fund transaction business. Your urgent response to this mail will be highly appreciated.

Best regards,

Mr Sawdu Bello

--------------

I've highlighted the relevant parts.

Millions of people get these emails every day. And surprisingly many people fall for these scams. And that's when my store comes in to play. Once a person falls for this scam, they then come into my store to send money through Western Union to these idiots.

How are people still falling for these scams?

Money NEVER falls into our laps like this. I guess it just confuses me how gullible and trusting people are as soon as money is involved.

We had a customer come in yet AGAIN the other day wanting to send $100 to somebody in Nigeria because they said the person in Nigeria was helping to get this customer's relative out of jail. I tried to warn her that these were scams, but she kept assuring me that she's sent money to this person before. When I asked her if she knew this person personally (as in, have you ever met them before?) she didn't answer. So I had to refuse her transaction and told her I couldn't send money for her. Sadly I think she went down the street and sent it from another place.

When your cashier tries to warn you, please listen people. There are SO many scams out there and we've seen them all.

Lazy Cakes = Marijuana Fun!

Lazy Cakes.

This is the new popular thing at the store.

People first notice them sitting on the front counter and immediately think they are marijuana brownies. Cries of "Can you sell that??" and "Oh, I'll buy one!" fill the air when people spot these at the register.

However, these are not pot brownies. They are just regular bad-tasting brownies with a little bit of melatonin in them. But I guess these people don't realize that.

The ones who buy them often come back the next day acting 'high' from the brownies. They talk about how good they were and pick up two more to buy. They act like their heads are in the clouds and that everything is funny.

People. It's melatonin, not marijuana. You can buy melatonin at the store as a sleep aid.

I guess it's still funny to watch people come in and fake it, though.

I would have tried these by now, but melatonin has the reverse effect on me and keeps me awake all night.

Has anyone tried these?

Even MORE Night Shift Weirdos

I seriously hate working night shift. Especially when the weather starts getting nice because that's when all the freaks come out of their winter caves.

Around 1:30 in the morning last night a woman walked in and headed towards the beer. She was a larger woman and walked with a limp. She also had to stop walking a few times because she was out of breath. But eventually she did make it over to the beer coolers.

We stopped selling beer at 1:00 so I was going to have to tell her she couldn't buy any.

I was waiting for her up at the counter when I noticed she was talking. I walked to the back of the store and found her hanging on to the Nabisco rack.

"Honey, do you have any Vermouth?" Now, I think she was drunk, because it was coming out as "Vermoof".

I asked her to repeat herself and she again asked if we had any Vermoof.

I have no idea what Vermouth is, but I figured it had something to do with alcohol so I told her no, we didn't have any. I also said that we stopped selling alcohol an hour ago and that she'd have to come back in the morning.

She thanked me and kept holding onto the snack rack until she caught her breath. She eventually made it out the front door and I saw her shake her head to someone. I didn't even know anyone else was outside so I decided to take a look.

I watched as this woman got onto a bicycle - not completely onto it - she was kind of half sitting on it. The man that was with her started walking the bicycle down the street with her sitting on it.

It was weird.

Is Vermouth worth it to come out in the middle of the night, barely able to breath, being walked by someone while sitting on a bicycle?

More Teens with Attitudes

This must have been THE week for shitty teenagers to come in.

I was ringing at the register the other day when a kid came in wanting to buy cigarettes.

"Can I see your ID?" I said.

He looked at me. "Every time I'm in here you ask me for my fucking ID. No one else here does that but you!" he screamed. Customers were now staring at us.

I had never seen this kid before. But that was nothing new. That's usually how they work - they try to confuse us or make us look stupid so that we sell them what they want.

"I've never seen you before, so I need your ID."

He stormed out of there, kicking open the front door on his way out. A few minutes later he came back in and whipped his ID at me. I watched as it slid across the counter onto the floor behind my register.

I looked at him. "Well since you have a nice attitude, you can take your ID and get the fuck out of here," I said as I bent down to retrieve his ID off the floor. Before I slapped it back down on the counter though, I checked out his age. He was born in 1992.

19 fucking years old and he's giving me a problem.

On his way out he was mumbling something about coming back to talk to the owner. Yeah, okay. These teens - tweens - whatever they are - just don't know who they're dealing with.

Was it spring break this week or something? I saw a large amount of shitty teenagers this week during school hours. More than I wanted to see in a lifetime.

Getting Shit Thrown at Me

I seriously can't stand it when people that don't speak English come into my store.

Well, let me clarify before someone gets pissed off. I don't mean the people that are friendly and trying to show me what they want.

I mean the assholes that come in, mumble what they want in very bad English, and then get extremely angry when I don't understand what they are saying.

This happens to us all the time. It's usually when they want a pack of cigarettes that we have a hard time understanding them. With gas it's pretty straightforward, but when they want one of the thousands of cigarettes there are to choose from, well that's when it gets difficult.

If I don't immediately understand what kind they want, they will start sighing loudly and repeat themselves. If I still don't understand, they will then yell and enunciate their words like I'm a moron. If I still can't grasp what they are saying, they will then pull out an empty pack of cigarettes from their pocket and whip it at me. Yes, I have had cigarettes whipped at me before.

What I don't get is why they don't pull the pack of smokes out first so neither of us look like jackasses.

I have family overseas and every time they come to visit they make sure one of us is out with them to translate. It's not that difficult. Either bring someone with you or learn just enough clear English to be able to make a quick transaction.

Like I said, not all of the non-English speaking customers are like this. There are only a select few, and they all happen to be men. And they all happen to come into my store.

Does this bother anyone else?